The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul 2016 -- Rock & Rule (1983), directed by Clive A. Smith

The Trailer
and
The Appropriate Tune: "Real Wild Child (Wild One)", by Iggy Pop

     The War was over.

     The only survivors were street animals: dogs, cats and rats. From them, a new race of mutants evolved.

     That was a long time ago…

     Mok, a legendary superrocker has retired to Ohmtown. His computers work at deciphering an ancient code which will unlock a gateway to another dimension.

     The only component he needs is a special voice…

     So begins Rock & Rule, the epic sci-fi/fantasy tale of a punk rock dog man trying to save his girlfriend, who I think is a cat but is mostly a sex symbol, from an evil glam rock wizard who is trying to summon a demon in order to destroy the post-apocalyptic dystopian world in which they all live through the power of rock & roll. You know, that old chestnut.

     Anyway, this was the debut film for Nelvana, a Canadian animation studio who you might know from Care Bears: The Movie and not much else filmwise, and what a debut it was amping up to be. A multi million dollar animated film that was emphatically not for children, which featured music from the badass bands of the time (in this case Debbie Harry, Lou Reed and Iggy Pop)? I mean sure, Heavy Metal, which Nelvana passed on to make this movie, had kind of already ascended into the pop culture consciousness on that ticket two years prior, but that only meant that the market was primed for that kind of material. The people loved Terminator so you give them Robocop, the people loved Indiana Jones so you give them Romancing the Stone. The people loved Heavy Metal, so you give them Rock & Rule. Recipe for success, right?

     Well, no. Rock & Rule was actually a huge failure, both critically and commercially. So much so that it almost destroyed Nelvana, who only just managed to avoid bankruptcy by taking on loads of TV work. Which is a shame, seeing a studio taking a chance and putting out something relatively unique and having it shot down. It’s the kind of thing that gets you feeling jaded about the state of filmmaking, gets you wondering why you would even want to put money into an industry that rewards derivative shit and rewards free spirits, an industry that pushes remakes, reboots and cinematic universes onto its consumers like a pushy prom date with a Mickey Finn in his hand. Makes you wonder why you would ever want even get into making films at all, if all you had to look forward to was seeing your creative vision poked and prodded into oblivion by a committee of marketing drones. Especially when people continually buy into that same derivative crap over and over again, swallowing it down because they’re apparently too ignorant to even conceive of something better. Might as well not even get out of bed in the morning, if all you have to look forward to is the same depressing spiral into the garbage dump that creative expression in this world has become.

     In the world’s defense, Rock & Rule is pretty crappy.

     Maybe that’s not quite right. Rock & Rule is an average movie, one that is outshined by its peers; Heavy Metal, the works of Ralph Bakshi, Don Bluth’s The Secret of NIMH if you want to dig deep, in most respects. Rock & Rule isn’t as dark, it isn’t as sexy (more important that you would think on the internet), it isn’t as funny, the characters aren’t as interesting or likable, the soundtrack isn’t as good and the animation feels slower and less fluid. Which doesn’t make it outright bad, in fact it’s probably even with Ralph Bakshi’s American Pop to me, which was another animated film that heavily featured music from around that same year, but it’s not all that exceptional either. Aside from some of the background art, which actually does look quite impressive, there’s nothing about Rock & Rule that really stirs the viewer to any reaction beyond ‘yeah, it was fine’. For a movie called Rock & Rule, there’s far less rocking than you’d expect. Not much ruling either, to be honest.

     If you’re a big animation fan, as I am, then you might be interested in Rock & Rule as a piece of movie history that doesn't have a Disney logo stamped on it. If you’re interested in Heavy Metal and you’re looking for some twisted cartoons to scratch that itch, then you might be interested in Rock & Rule. If neither of those things apply to you though, then you might be able to give this one a pass. And if someone offers you a glowing ball of pink light, just say no. It’s just not worth it.

Coffee & Cigarettes (2003), directed by Jim Jarmusch

come watch my inevitable decline

The Trailer
and
The Appropriate Tune: "Cigarettes and Coffee", by Otis Redding

     The first thing I ever saw by Jim Jarmusch was Horse, a concert film/documentary of the great Neil Young and his band Crazy Horse, in case you were wondering. I was hanging out at the home of my friend Big John, a rock star in his own right and major Young fan, drinking and smoking as hip college goers are known to do. Through the chemical haze, I decided that Horse was actually a pretty good concert film as it turned out, featuring vintage footage of the band combined with present day concert performances. The name Jim Jarmusch got stuck in my head that day, just waiting for a time that it could bust out and convince me to finally see one of his movies. Biding it’s time, like a tiger on the prowl.

     That time is now.

     Coffee & Cigarettes was an independent film directed by Mr. Jarmusch in 2003. The movie is presented in a series of vignettes, each featuring different actors, with no overarching narrative. In all but two of the stories, a characters enters the scene, somebody consumes some coffee and cigarettes, an awkward, vaguely hostile conversation is held, and then a characters at the end of the scene (the only differences, by the way, are in the one instance where the characters drink tea, and another where no characters enter or leave). The title of the vignette reveals to us the nature of the story, “Twins” has twins for main characters, “Delirium” has a conversation relating to delirium, and so on. It’s not a bad way to do things, and using coffee & cigarettes as a connecting theme is as good as any, but there’s a distinct lack of weight in these vignettes. Why are these people so passive-aggressive? Is it the caffeine/nicotine? The the scene ends, and I’m wondering how I just spent several minutes of my life.

     I will give credit to Jarmusch in grabbing some damn interesting talent for his movie, which leads to some amusing situations. Who hasn't wanted to hear Steve Buscemi talk about Elvis Presley’s evil twin, or Jack White operating a Tesla coil, or RZA and GZA discussing alternative medicine with Bill Murray? Not to mention Iggy Pop, Tom Waits, Cate Blanchett...Folks who I would love to see converse with each other (perhaps over some coffee & cigarettes?), without all the meandering bullshit that’s been tossed in. Would I like to hear a conversation between Iggy Pop and Tom Waits? Abso-fucking-lutely. Did I like the scene in which they conversed in Coffee & Cigarettes? Not particularly.

     Not much to say this around, or perhaps more appropriately not much I feel like writing. My first non-Horse experience with Jarmusch has become the least enjoyable movie I've done so far, which admittedly isn't saying much at this point. It’s possible that I just don’t ‘get’ the message he was trying to put out here, if there was even a message to get in the first place. It’s also possible that the film sucks, and he would've been better off just making a documentary. Obviously Jim Jarmusch and I have things we need to work out together, with the film and with our relationship.

     Perhaps over some hot chocolate and hashish?

Result: Recommended if you like coffee, cigarettes, coffee & cigarettes, people talking about nothing for 90 minutes, or Bill Murray gargling oven cleaner

          Not Recommended if you like narratives, action, clean lungs, or Ms. Cate Blanchett