The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Arachnophobia (1990), directed by Frank Marshall

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "Boris The Spider", by The Who 

 

 

I’ll tell ya, I was not a brave kid when I was a kid. Didn’t like the dark, didn’t like water, didn’t like heights, it all got a thumbs down from. I especially wasn’t a fan of the creepy crawlies, bugs, spiders, crabs, republicans, all those slimy things with too many eyes and nasty mouths. So naturally I’ve spent much of my film watching ‘career’ avoiding movies that might feature these things in abundance, because my goal is actually to enjoy what time I have on this planet. But not today. Today we’re getting uncomfortable.

In Arachnophobia, Jeff Daniels (Dumb & Dumber, The Purple Rose of Cairo), stars as Ross Jennings, a doctor who has recently moved to the small town of Canaima California. Unfortunately there are a couple of problems. For one, the doctor who was supposed to retire has decided he’s not going to do that, leaving Jennings in a bit of a financial bind. For two, the basement in his new house is totally fucked, so there goes his wine cellar. And for three, he’s a terrible arachnophobe just as the town is getting infested with a highly venomous, extremely invasive and incredibly murderous breed of spiders from the mountains of Venezuela. When it rains it pours, right?

So this isn’t a ‘giant spider’ movie as I was expecting (probably thinking of the David Arquette vehicle Eight Legged Freaks) but a ‘lots of spiders’ movie (like the Willia Shatner vehicle Kingdom of Spiders). Except unlike Kingdom of Spiders, which had a lot of unmoving arachnids, these things are everywhere and they’re crawling and jumping all over people, and they make sure to get plenty of closeups. So even if you’re more tolerant of the normal size spiders, they make sure you are going to be experiencing a world of hell every which way you can.

This is actually the debut film of Frank Marshall by the way, a co-owner of Amblin Entertainment at the time, and I think you can feel the influence even before you see Spielberg’s name in the executive producer spot. It’s very classically cinematic in that Spielberg way, especially in the opening with that surging, brass-heavy orchestration and the sweeping shots of Venezuela, but even in the ‘small town authorities ignore obvious warning signs until threat becomes impossible to ignore’ setup is reminiscent of Jaws. By the way, one of the other movies that Marshall directed was Congo, which was also Spielbergian, except that instead of dinosaurs and sharks it was gorillas and Tim Curry.

Which I don’t say to write Arachnophobia off, because obviously to be compared to one of the most successful directors ever isn’t an insult, but also because Marshall isn’t just playing copycat. There’s a bite of gallows humour here that I don’t feel comes up often in Spielberg’s own projects, that helps balance the movie on that line between horror and comedy. I mentioned that the film had the influence of Spielberg, but you could also see the film as one calling back to those classic horror movies of the past that were popular at the time. Not a specific, serious remake like The Blob or The Fly, but a madcap tribute to that era like Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Except without the cotton candy cocoons filled with blood, and more John Goodman being John Goodman.

Obviously if you have severe arachnophobia then you don’t need me to tell you to avoid this movie, you’re already doing it. For other folks, I’d say this would actually be a solid pick for a family movie night. It’s got the frights but nothing graphic, it’s got comedy, it moves at a brisk pace, it’s got Mimi from the Drew Carey Show in a minor role, it’s an easily digestible, easily enjoyable movie. And when I say digestible, don’t think about that one statistic that says you swallow around 12 spiders while you’re asleep every night.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED

 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: 28 Days Later (2002), directed by Danny Boyle

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "A.M. 180", by Grandaddy 

 

 

Now that we’ve reset a bit, let’s move on to some new horror. New to me at least. I’ve been aware of the 28 Days franchise of course, lasting as it has for a couple decades now and still putting out films, but I just never bothered to check it out. Maybe because I had heard that it was a zombie movie, and zombie fatigue was all the rage in the 00’s. I dunno, let’s give it a try.

In 28 Days Later, Cillian Murphy stars as Jim, a man who awakens from a coma in an empty hospital in a seemingly abandoned London. Civilization as we know it has collapsed; The outbreak of a virus which turns people into ravenous, animalistic lunatics has completely destroyed the fabric of society in less than a month, the few survivors forced to band together and eat stale snack food in order to survive. Just the kind of situation that makes you want to go back into a coma, but the world isn’t going to give Jim time to acclimate to the new world order. As the Bard once said,  ‘You either get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’.

It was the new millennium in 2002, give or take a couple years, and that meant we needed a new modern take on zombie movies. No more zombies born through voodoo magic or space radiation, this is a strictly man-made, animal tested virus situation, even if a ‘rage virus’ that completely infects a person in 10 seconds still comes across as magic or science fiction. No more shambling, undead corpses, these are quick little bastards who love crashing through windows. No patient cinematography, we’re doing Dutch angles and throwing in some shaky cam. Very much a ‘this ain’t your grandad’s zombie movie’ vibe, although in the year 2026 this might be your grandad’s zombie movie now.

I won’t say that it doesn’t work to some degree. 28 Days Later tackles much of the things that Romero did in his famous Dead series: the horrors of isolation and desperation, order versus chaos, misogyny, our relationship to authority, and so on and on. However there’s a bit of a build to mania here that you don’t quite find in those earlier films. Romero’s horror is a slow burn, characters being placed together in the metaphorical pressure cooker until they break down because the horde is outside and there’s nowhere to go. In 28 Days Later humans are actively being hunted, chased down by things that can’t dismiss as ‘other’ as easily as you can a rotting corpse. Humans haven’t been prey to something in quite a while, and the ridiculous ease at which the infection spreads pushes this mad energy onto things. As if the world is undergoing a collective manic episode.

If there is a point where Romero was right and Boyle is wrong, I think it’s that it doesn’t matter how the zombies got here. Aside from the fact that a ‘rage virus’ is silly, the whole thing with the animal rights folks breaking into an animal research lab, rescuing the chimpanzees watching TV just isn’t needed. In Night of the Living Dead Romero had an offhand line about space radiation and that was it, no elaboration needed because the film wasn’t about the zombies, it was about the people dealing with zombies. Cut the animal lab part and just have the film open with Jim waking up in the hospital and walking around the empty London, with a couple passing mentions of a virus. It’s already the most iconic bit of the movie, to just drop the audience into things blindly like Jim makes and aids that atmosphere of panic and disorientation.

Overall though, it’s a good’un. I don’t know if it really ended in a way for sequels, but I can see why it was successful enough that the sequel box was opened. Another franchise to throw onto the review pile I suppose. Maybe 28 years from now. Although I still haven’t watched The Wire, so better not put a timeline on these things.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989), directed by Stephen Herek

The Trailer
 and

The Appropriate Tune - "Play With Me", by Extreme 

 

 

Damn, we’ve been on a bit of a losing streak, haven’t we? Just stinker after cinematic stinker over the last couple of days. There’s no one to blame for this except for my own self either, and believe me I tried. So how about we take a break from the gloomy, psychologically disturbed explorations of guilt that we’ve been tackling, and go for some lighter fare. Cleanse the palate, if you will. And I think I know just the right aperitif for the job.

In Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Alex Winters and Keanu Reeves star as Bill S. Preston esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan, two air-headed teenagers living in San Dimas California in the year 1988. Bill & Ted have big dreams of rock and roll stardom with their band Wyld Stallyns (despite not having the equipment or musical ability), but those dreams are put in danger when the reality of failing history class, and flunking out of high school, rears its ugly head. When the outcome seems bleak, the pair are greeted by a strange man named Rufus (George Carlin) and his equally strange phone booth. As it turns out, Rufus is a time traveller, his phone booth a time machine, which he offers to the two teens to help prepare for their make-or-break oral report the next day. Although why study history, when you could just hit up the time stream, grab a few historical figures, and have them due the talking for you? A most excellent plan indeed.

Gotta say, it’s pretty ballsy to release a time travel comedy in the 80s, considering the undisputed kings of the field had released its second installment the very same year. Bill & Ted manage to get away with this though, because of how profoundly unserious it takes the world. Back to the Future, although it was a comedy, was also a drama. Marty’s quest to unite his parents, Biff’s altering the timeline, there are stakes to what’s going on. In Bill & Ted things are much more laissez-faire. Bill & Ted don’t care about paradoxes, they’re walking around history in flannel and shorts, snatching people out of time, letting them play around with future stuff, just do whatever man, it’s all good. While there are stakes, much bigger than BttF technically, the goals of the protagonists are much simpler, and so Bill & Ted have the freedom to be much more absurd and irreverent than Marty McFly is in his film.

I think it also helps that Bill & Ted are pretty likable as far as protagonists go. They’re dumb to be sure, their goals are banal, but they’re not malicious. They’re not taking advantage of their gift to screw others over, they’re just trying to pass a class so they don’t have to break up their shitty garage band. Simple guys who make good by the end of the film, so it’s not hard to root for them. Both of them too, which isn’t always the case when it comes to buddy comedies. I mean did anyone really like Abbott over Costello? Or Butthead over Beavis?

What else should I mention…? There’s several musicians in the cast, including Jane Wiedlin of the Gogo’s and Clarence Clemons of the E Street Band. Better than the bands that are actually on the soundtrack, which you would think would take priority given the importance of music in the film, but hey, wasn’t my call to make. Maybe Extreme was the next big thing in 1989, I don’t know.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure gets the nod from me. An accurate title if ever there was one. Also the first part of trilogy as of a couple years ago, so maybe one day I’ll review all three. Until then, if you’re looking to take a short break from the creeps, put this. Or perhaps I should say chills, because that whole thing with Bill’s dad and his stepmom is kind of creepy.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED

 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: The Mothman Prophecies (2002), directed by Mark Pellington

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "Half Light", by Low 

If you’ve ever been in the state of West Virginia, then you are required by law to know about the Mothman. Terror of the hills, harbinger of disaster, lover of lamps, the Mothman is a pop culture icon in the Mountain State, even having an entire festival dedicated to him in the town of Point Pleasant. Yet despite being a local sensation, his appearances in major markets seems to have been rather limited compared to A-lister cryptids like Bigfoot or Nessie. I mean he’s in Persona, sure, but how many Mothman movies are there? Besides the one we’re going to talk about right now I mean. 

Based on the book by John A. Keel, The Mothman Prophecies stars Richard Gere as John Klein, a journalist for the Washington Post who, the night he closes on a deal for a new house, gets into a car crash with his wife. Both survive the accident, but further medical examinations bode grave tidings for Klein’s wife. Two years after her death, Klein is driving at night when he suddenly, unexplainably, finds himself in Point Pleasant, West Virginia. A lovely town that recently has been plagued with sightings of a strange ‘mothman’ with glowing red eyes, the exact same thing that Klein’s wife saw the night of the accident. So Klein, along with the help of police sgt. Connie Mills (Laura Linney), immediately begins his investigation. But how deep, and how bizarre, does this Mothman mystery go?

So it’s not really a Mothman movie so much as it is a movie involving the Mothman, which sounds like the same thing but it’s not. Because you hear the word Mothman and you expect the cryptid, you expect to see a Mothman at some point, and this is more akin to the aliens on the X-Files. Time loss, visions, messages to the protagonists that are cryptic for no reason, the works. Which would be fine if this were an episode of the X-Files, that show is vague and never answers questions all the time, but it’s not. Hell, if the X-Files did have a Mothman episode they’d probably show the damn Mothman, so there’s no real excuse. Just because you set your alien abduction story in Point Pleasant doesn’t make Mothman an alien.

I’m also not a big fan of Richard Gere in the star role here. I’m sure there are other films which better showcase his talents but I dunno man, he seems uniquely emotionless for a guy who should, logically, be chockfull of emotions. Even in emotional scenes it just doesn’t feel real to me. In that case he might have made a good protagonist for Silent Hill a few years later, but I just can’t relate to him as John Klein.

To end with a compliment, the big ending set piece looked good, the impact lessened slightly but the gratuitous and obvious use of stock screams. And the music was okay. You got Low on the soundtrack there, Glenn Branca, it’s nice.

If you went to watch Harry and the Hendersons, and there were only allusions to Harry without any actual scenes with him, you’d be kind of disappointed right? That’s how I’m feeling with The Mothman Prophecies at the moment. It’s okay, very X-Files coded as I said, but the fact that I didn’t get to see one manlike moth or mothlike man really ruined the whole thing for me.

STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: An intermission

 Hey there folks, King Thunderbird here. Unfortunately I couldn't finish up a review today, so instead I'll just list some a couple movies and talk a bit about them. These may get proper entries in the future.

 

1. Willy's Wonderland (2021), directed by Kevin Lewis

    The idea of Nic Cage fighting Five Nights at Freddy's certainly sounds cool, and those moments when Nic Cage is fighting FNAF is fun. Everything else awas not so good

STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED

 

2.  Basket Case (1981), directed by Frank Henenlotter

    Henenlotter's films are are some of the gems of 80's horror, delightfully bizarre movies with equally nasty special effects. Basket Case was the first of the bunch, and it's a weird, fun time.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED

 

3. Chopping Mall (1986), directed by Jim Wynorski

    Essentially a slasher film, but instead of some dude with an axe it's killer robots, which is cool. The robots look well made, and Dick Miller gets electrocuted, so there's a lot to like here for horror fans.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED 

 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Beware! The Blob (1972), directed by Larry Hagman

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "The Blob", by The Five Blobs 

Back in Lake Placid, I mentioned the popularity of the ‘giant X attacks humanity’ trope in film, but if I had to name a breakout star of the creature features, I might have to go with The Blob. It’s got that simple edge that other films lacked. No zoomed-in B-roll of bored animals, no expensive models or stop-motion, just some karob syrup, red food coloring and a dream. Also Steve McQueen was there, which might’ve helped out.

 

Then in the 80s, as all the old horror movies were going through the remake cycle, The Blob saw the light of day again. Which was also pretty good! Not as charming as the original obviously, but it did up the gore factor, so you could see The Blob melting people alive just as the Founding Fathers intended. And for a while I thought that was it, but it turns out between the original Blob and the 80s remake Blob, there were actually even more Blobs roaming about. So I picked one, and we’ll see if the premise truly is evergreen.

In Beware! The Blob, Gwynne Gilford stars as Lisa Clark, a woman who has had the unfortunate distinction of walking in on a Blob eating a guy. Of course no one believes her at first, because the Blob is obviously super intelligent and knows exactly when and how to avoid detection. By the time it can’t avoid detection, however, is when it’s far too late. Gather your forces folks, it’s time to fight an intergalactic paramecium.

Man, this movie kind of sucks. Just about everything you see in the bottom of the 70s movie barrel can be found in here. Music that feels like it fell out of the ass of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon library, scenes that go on about 15 seconds longer than they should’ve, hippies, attempts at comedy that someone, somehow must have thought was funny at some point, and attempts at acting that are funnier than the comedy. It’s hard to even enjoy the chilling parts of the movie, because the parts surrounding it are goofy. Not charming, like the original Blob, but goofy. The kind that just makes you feel pissed off when you watch it.

The only thing that’s worth mentioning is that there’s a cameo from Burgess Meredith as a homeless man. I like Burgess Meredith, so that’s about 4 to 5 minutes in 90 minutes that was a step above the rest.

Man, this one put in a bad mood. It’s even hard to enjoy the various camera tricks they use with the slime, because it started me off on the wrong foot and I never recovered. Could be another Ring situation when I reevaluate it in the future, but right now I’m not feeling it. Watch the original Blob, or the remake if you’re more of a gorehound, and then if you’re somehow not Blobbed out, then go for this one.

STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Ring (1998), directed by Hideo Nakata

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "Video Killed The Radio Star", by The Buggles 

Funny how things just explode in popularity from seemingly out of nowhere. Like those couple months in the late 90’s when the swing revival topped the billboard charts, or the way Korean stuff is very popular these days. Or in the 00’s when an adaptation of a Japanese film became a film sensation.

It’s a bit strange, right?  I mean it feels like The Ring has been a consistent presence in pop culture for a while now; It’s been referenced in plenty of TV shows, one of the Scary Movies had a bunch of stuff about it, you might even give it credit for the short-lived wave of English adaptation of Asian horror like The Grudge and Pulse. Yet it’s not like it was a hugely successful franchise, in America at least there was just the one movie. A very different case in Japan, where it was and still is a successful franchise, with spinoffs and all the stuff you’d expect such a piece of pop culture to be. And it’s Japan where we’ll be taking our movie blog today.

In Ring, or Ringu if you’re a weeb, Nanako Matsushima stars as Reiko Asakawa, a journalist and single mother who is investigating the mysterious death of a teenage girl, which actually turns out to be the mysterious death of several teenagers. All sudden, all unexplained. The common thread? They’re all said to have watched a video tape and received a phone call exactly one week before their death. What could this mean? Is there really some sort of killer video? And there’s probably no issue with watching random unlabeled VHS tapes you find in cabins, right?

It is, unsurprisingly, very Japanese in its mindset. Spirits, urban legends, curse, all things which exist everywhere which seem to hold a special place in the heart of Japanese pop culture, from my own limited point of view. Especially curses which just torture and kill you for real reason, Japan loves that particular trope. It’s like creepypasta land over in Nippon, doesn’t matter if you are a living saint, if you do literally everything right all the time, if you do this one innocuous thing one time then you’re fucked for all eternity. Do not pass Go, do not collect 100 dollars, go straight to hell.

It is also, perhaps surprisingly, not all that scary? Of course with the amount of horror movies I’ve seen I’m desensitized to this kind of stuff, but there wasn’t anything that happens in the film that even slightly unnerved me. Really Ring is more of a mystery film with some horror elements to it, like Lady in White or other such films. Which is fine, Reiko uncovering the origin of the tape is fairly interesting, but if you look at the posters or see a spoof of a woman coming out of a TV and you're expecting some kind of hellride of terror then you’re going to be disappointed. Your average episode of X-Files is more bone chilling.

I dunno, it feels like I’m ripping on this film a bit too harshly. It wasn’t bad really, it was a very digestible scary movie with a simple premise, it’s no wonder why it was able to see the success it did. I just wasn’t able to keep my interest with it. Maybe one day if I ever rewatch it I’ll be able to revise my opinion, but for now it’s a ‘no’ from me.

STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED