The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Ready To Rumble (2000), directed by Brian Robbins

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "..Baby One More Time", by Ahmet & Dweezil Zappa 

Pro wrestling has always had something of a popularity problem, and I’m not talking about it being staged. In spite of the fact that that it has been quite lucrative in the past, selling out arenas, millions of people watching matches, as the years have gone by and the options for entertainment have expanded and improved, wrestlers and promoters have seen their cultural cache dwindle. Thus there was a perceived need to expand pro wrestling beyond pro wrestling, to make pro wrestlers into proper stars, which would presumably cause people to go see more wrestling shows. Or at least make the promoters more money.

This was best understood by wrestling promoter and alleged sex trafficker Vince McMahon Jr., who was able to capture a large chunk of pop culture attention with the help of his top star, noted racist and compulsive liar Hulk Hogan. Cartoons, movies, comic books, video games, the WWF were able to craft a level of brand recognition that never really went away, even during times when the wrestling side of the wrestling business wasn’t doing so well. It was no doubt that desire for a fame beyond their field that led major WWF competitor World Championship Wrestling to try their own hand at the silver screen. 

In Ready To Rumble, David Arquette and Scott Caan star as Gordie Boggs and Sean Dawkins, two wastoids who spend their days cleaning port-a-pottys and watching professional wrestling. That life of mediocrity is threatened one night when they see their hero, undefeated champion Jimmy King (Oliver Platt), lose a title match that by all rights he should have won. Desperate for answers, they decide to seek out Jimmy King and find out the truth of the matter. Things snowball from there, as they are wont to do.

So there are a lot of problems here. First, there’s the question: if this is a movie about pro wrestling, for pro wrestling fans to enjoy, why does this movie depict wrestling fans as total dipshits? Not that they needed to be Ferris Bueller, they are still wrestling fans after all, but Gordie and Sean are not lovable slackers like Bill & Ted. They’re just losers, creepy, obnoxious, and stupid enough to believe pro wrestling is real despite being told to their face that it’s not (although the film itself seems confused on that point). Unlike Bill & Ted, you would not want to hang out with these guys, especially if you were ever hoping to get the attention of a woman. These are the kind of 30 year olds who hang out with 10 year olds.

Secondly, given that this film was made in collaboration with WCW, why do the WCW wrestlers feel like an afterthought? I like Oliver Platt, he was a great part of Lake Placid, but why is he playing a world class wrestler, over the guys who are actually championship wrestlers? You might answer that wrestlers are not known for being great movie actors, which is true, but I don’t think the wrestlers who do get larger speaking roles like Diamond Dallas Page or Bill Goldberg don’t do all that badly. Another answer might be that none of the actual wrestlers would want to be depicted as a fat drunken slob who lives in a mobile home, which is fair, but then don’t have the movie be about that then? You still have that same fat drunken slob as the undefeated WCW champion that clowns all the other wrestlers, so whether it’s an actual wrestler in the role or not seems like a lateral move.

Thirdly, and this is my opinion, but the movie isn’t funny. This movie came out in 2000, a decade that would see a proliferation of frat boy comedies. You know the type, Waiting…, most things with National Lampoon in the title, the sex & toilet stuff that feels dated compared to stuff that came out before and after. If nothing else though, at least you could say those other movies pushed the envelope of things you could put on screen. Ready To Rumble is neither explicit or daring in its comedy, it’s just juvenile shit that even a pre-teen would struggle to find edgy, especially since you got get raunchier stuff on an average episode of South Park or WWF RAW. This movie begins with David Arquette sticking his finger up his ass, and it never gets any better from there.

Is there anything, ANYTHING, that was worthwhile in this movie? I guess the one scene where the traveling nuns sing Van Halen’s “Running With The Devil” was a bit funny. That’s it.

For wrestling fans, the year 2000 was known to be a particularly bad one for WCW. A period of poor booking and business decisions that foreshadowed the company’s eventual dissolution and assimilation by Vince McMahon and the WWF the following year. In that regard Ready To Rumble was perfect film to represent the company. As something you are meant to watch and enjoy, god damn is it lame as hell. I’d say don’t watch it, but even if you did I doubt you’d be watching it for long. I know I wasn’t.

STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Waxwork (1988), directed by Anthony Hickox

 

The Trailer

and

 The Appropriate Tune - "Right Between The Eyes", by Wax 

Wax museums were invented for horror movies, right? Like I’ve heard of wax museums in real life, Madame Tussaud wherever that place is, but I feel like I’ve heard about them, and wax figures in general, far more in the context of scary stories than anywhere else in my life. It’s weird, right? That somehow someone could think of cold lifeless figures that look almost exactly like humans and have a tendency to melt and call that scary, but that’s the world we live in. Shameful.

In Waxwork, Zach Galligan stars as Mark Loftmore, a well-to-do college student who just can’t seem to get out of his own way, whether it’s school or women. On a whim, he and a group of friends decide to attend a private showing at a newly-opened waxworks at midnight, as you do. Of course they don’t know the unwritten rule of waxworks, which is is you go to a waxworks you must expect to be tormented by the wax figures within, and possibly turned into a wax figure yourself and become a part of the gallery for the rest of time. Not many folks do really, even though it’s the number 1 cause of wax-related deaths in the United States and Canada, which is a real shame.

How Waxwork decides to do the tormenting is quite novel. Rather than simply being attacked by wax figures, the characters step into the world of the scene the wax figures are in, becoming the victim that the scene depicts. So it’s got a bit of an anthology film thing going with characters being menaced by werewolves and the like, couched within the greater story of Waxwork. It’s a fun idea, calling back to the classic age of monster movies, and the effects team pull it off. Nothing extreme, in terms of effects or gore, but you see a werewolf or a mummy on screen and it looks good.

I’ll go ahead and give it a nod. Fun little horror movie with a touch of adventure, fun concept, David Warner is in it, Dana Ashbrooke from Twin Peaks is in it, it’s cool. Maybe not something you’d want to watch with your parents or your kids, given the BDSM subplot that runs through the thing, but if you’re of legal age then go ahead and watch it.

 

STATUS: RECOMMENDED 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Arachnophobia (1990), directed by Frank Marshall

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "Boris The Spider", by The Who 

 

 

I’ll tell ya, I was not a brave kid when I was a kid. Didn’t like the dark, didn’t like water, didn’t like heights, it all got a thumbs down from. I especially wasn’t a fan of the creepy crawlies, bugs, spiders, crabs, republicans, all those slimy things with too many eyes and nasty mouths. So naturally I’ve spent much of my film watching ‘career’ avoiding movies that might feature these things in abundance, because my goal is actually to enjoy what time I have on this planet. But not today. Today we’re getting uncomfortable.

In Arachnophobia, Jeff Daniels (Dumb & Dumber, The Purple Rose of Cairo), stars as Ross Jennings, a doctor who has recently moved to the small town of Canaima California. Unfortunately there are a couple of problems. For one, the doctor who was supposed to retire has decided he’s not going to do that, leaving Jennings in a bit of a financial bind. For two, the basement in his new house is totally fucked, so there goes his wine cellar. And for three, he’s a terrible arachnophobe just as the town is getting infested with a highly venomous, extremely invasive and incredibly murderous breed of spiders from the mountains of Venezuela. When it rains it pours, right?

So this isn’t a ‘giant spider’ movie as I was expecting (probably thinking of the David Arquette vehicle Eight Legged Freaks) but a ‘lots of spiders’ movie (like the Willia Shatner vehicle Kingdom of Spiders). Except unlike Kingdom of Spiders, which had a lot of unmoving arachnids, these things are everywhere and they’re crawling and jumping all over people, and they make sure to get plenty of closeups. So even if you’re more tolerant of the normal size spiders, they make sure you are going to be experiencing a world of hell every which way you can.

This is actually the debut film of Frank Marshall by the way, a co-owner of Amblin Entertainment at the time, and I think you can feel the influence even before you see Spielberg’s name in the executive producer spot. It’s very classically cinematic in that Spielberg way, especially in the opening with that surging, brass-heavy orchestration and the sweeping shots of Venezuela, but even in the ‘small town authorities ignore obvious warning signs until threat becomes impossible to ignore’ setup is reminiscent of Jaws. By the way, one of the other movies that Marshall directed was Congo, which was also Spielbergian, except that instead of dinosaurs and sharks it was gorillas and Tim Curry.

Which I don’t say to write Arachnophobia off, because obviously to be compared to one of the most successful directors ever isn’t an insult, but also because Marshall isn’t just playing copycat. There’s a bite of gallows humour here that I don’t feel comes up often in Spielberg’s own projects, that helps balance the movie on that line between horror and comedy. I mentioned that the film had the influence of Spielberg, but you could also see the film as one calling back to those classic horror movies of the past that were popular at the time. Not a specific, serious remake like The Blob or The Fly, but a madcap tribute to that era like Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Except without the cotton candy cocoons filled with blood, and more John Goodman being John Goodman.

Obviously if you have severe arachnophobia then you don’t need me to tell you to avoid this movie, you’re already doing it. For other folks, I’d say this would actually be a solid pick for a family movie night. It’s got the frights but nothing graphic, it’s got comedy, it moves at a brisk pace, it’s got Mimi from the Drew Carey Show in a minor role, it’s an easily digestible, easily enjoyable movie. And when I say digestible, don’t think about that one statistic that says you swallow around 12 spiders while you’re asleep every night.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED

 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: 28 Days Later (2002), directed by Danny Boyle

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "A.M. 180", by Grandaddy 

 

 

Now that we’ve reset a bit, let’s move on to some new horror. New to me at least. I’ve been aware of the 28 Days franchise of course, lasting as it has for a couple decades now and still putting out films, but I just never bothered to check it out. Maybe because I had heard that it was a zombie movie, and zombie fatigue was all the rage in the 00’s. I dunno, let’s give it a try.

In 28 Days Later, Cillian Murphy stars as Jim, a man who awakens from a coma in an empty hospital in a seemingly abandoned London. Civilization as we know it has collapsed; The outbreak of a virus which turns people into ravenous, animalistic lunatics has completely destroyed the fabric of society in less than a month, the few survivors forced to band together and eat stale snack food in order to survive. Just the kind of situation that makes you want to go back into a coma, but the world isn’t going to give Jim time to acclimate to the new world order. As the Bard once said,  ‘You either get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’.

It was the new millennium in 2002, give or take a couple years, and that meant we needed a new modern take on zombie movies. No more zombies born through voodoo magic or space radiation, this is a strictly man-made, animal tested virus situation, even if a ‘rage virus’ that completely infects a person in 10 seconds still comes across as magic or science fiction. No more shambling, undead corpses, these are quick little bastards who love crashing through windows. No patient cinematography, we’re doing Dutch angles and throwing in some shaky cam. Very much a ‘this ain’t your grandad’s zombie movie’ vibe, although in the year 2026 this might be your grandad’s zombie movie now.

I won’t say that it doesn’t work to some degree. 28 Days Later tackles much of the things that Romero did in his famous Dead series: the horrors of isolation and desperation, order versus chaos, misogyny, our relationship to authority, and so on and on. However there’s a bit of a build to mania here that you don’t quite find in those earlier films. Romero’s horror is a slow burn, characters being placed together in the metaphorical pressure cooker until they break down because the horde is outside and there’s nowhere to go. In 28 Days Later humans are actively being hunted, chased down by things that can’t dismiss as ‘other’ as easily as you can a rotting corpse. Humans haven’t been prey to something in quite a while, and the ridiculous ease at which the infection spreads pushes this mad energy onto things. As if the world is undergoing a collective manic episode.

If there is a point where Romero was right and Boyle is wrong, I think it’s that it doesn’t matter how the zombies got here. Aside from the fact that a ‘rage virus’ is silly, the whole thing with the animal rights folks breaking into an animal research lab, rescuing the chimpanzees watching TV just isn’t needed. In Night of the Living Dead Romero had an offhand line about space radiation and that was it, no elaboration needed because the film wasn’t about the zombies, it was about the people dealing with zombies. Cut the animal lab part and just have the film open with Jim waking up in the hospital and walking around the empty London, with a couple passing mentions of a virus. It’s already the most iconic bit of the movie, to just drop the audience into things blindly like Jim makes and aids that atmosphere of panic and disorientation.

Overall though, it’s a good’un. I don’t know if it really ended in a way for sequels, but I can see why it was successful enough that the sequel box was opened. Another franchise to throw onto the review pile I suppose. Maybe 28 years from now. Although I still haven’t watched The Wire, so better not put a timeline on these things.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989), directed by Stephen Herek

The Trailer
 and

The Appropriate Tune - "Play With Me", by Extreme 

 

 

Damn, we’ve been on a bit of a losing streak, haven’t we? Just stinker after cinematic stinker over the last couple of days. There’s no one to blame for this except for my own self either, and believe me I tried. So how about we take a break from the gloomy, psychologically disturbed explorations of guilt that we’ve been tackling, and go for some lighter fare. Cleanse the palate, if you will. And I think I know just the right aperitif for the job.

In Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Alex Winters and Keanu Reeves star as Bill S. Preston esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan, two air-headed teenagers living in San Dimas California in the year 1988. Bill & Ted have big dreams of rock and roll stardom with their band Wyld Stallyns (despite not having the equipment or musical ability), but those dreams are put in danger when the reality of failing history class, and flunking out of high school, rears its ugly head. When the outcome seems bleak, the pair are greeted by a strange man named Rufus (George Carlin) and his equally strange phone booth. As it turns out, Rufus is a time traveller, his phone booth a time machine, which he offers to the two teens to help prepare for their make-or-break oral report the next day. Although why study history, when you could just hit up the time stream, grab a few historical figures, and have them due the talking for you? A most excellent plan indeed.

Gotta say, it’s pretty ballsy to release a time travel comedy in the 80s, considering the undisputed kings of the field had released its second installment the very same year. Bill & Ted manage to get away with this though, because of how profoundly unserious it takes the world. Back to the Future, although it was a comedy, was also a drama. Marty’s quest to unite his parents, Biff’s altering the timeline, there are stakes to what’s going on. In Bill & Ted things are much more laissez-faire. Bill & Ted don’t care about paradoxes, they’re walking around history in flannel and shorts, snatching people out of time, letting them play around with future stuff, just do whatever man, it’s all good. While there are stakes, much bigger than BttF technically, the goals of the protagonists are much simpler, and so Bill & Ted have the freedom to be much more absurd and irreverent than Marty McFly is in his film.

I think it also helps that Bill & Ted are pretty likable as far as protagonists go. They’re dumb to be sure, their goals are banal, but they’re not malicious. They’re not taking advantage of their gift to screw others over, they’re just trying to pass a class so they don’t have to break up their shitty garage band. Simple guys who make good by the end of the film, so it’s not hard to root for them. Both of them too, which isn’t always the case when it comes to buddy comedies. I mean did anyone really like Abbott over Costello? Or Butthead over Beavis?

What else should I mention…? There’s several musicians in the cast, including Jane Wiedlin of the Gogo’s and Clarence Clemons of the E Street Band. Better than the bands that are actually on the soundtrack, which you would think would take priority given the importance of music in the film, but hey, wasn’t my call to make. Maybe Extreme was the next big thing in 1989, I don’t know.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure gets the nod from me. An accurate title if ever there was one. Also the first part of trilogy as of a couple years ago, so maybe one day I’ll review all three. Until then, if you’re looking to take a short break from the creeps, put this. Or perhaps I should say chills, because that whole thing with Bill’s dad and his stepmom is kind of creepy.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED

 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: The Mothman Prophecies (2002), directed by Mark Pellington

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune - "Half Light", by Low 

If you’ve ever been in the state of West Virginia, then you are required by law to know about the Mothman. Terror of the hills, harbinger of disaster, lover of lamps, the Mothman is a pop culture icon in the Mountain State, even having an entire festival dedicated to him in the town of Point Pleasant. Yet despite being a local sensation, his appearances in major markets seems to have been rather limited compared to A-lister cryptids like Bigfoot or Nessie. I mean he’s in Persona, sure, but how many Mothman movies are there? Besides the one we’re going to talk about right now I mean. 

Based on the book by John A. Keel, The Mothman Prophecies stars Richard Gere as John Klein, a journalist for the Washington Post who, the night he closes on a deal for a new house, gets into a car crash with his wife. Both survive the accident, but further medical examinations bode grave tidings for Klein’s wife. Two years after her death, Klein is driving at night when he suddenly, unexplainably, finds himself in Point Pleasant, West Virginia. A lovely town that recently has been plagued with sightings of a strange ‘mothman’ with glowing red eyes, the exact same thing that Klein’s wife saw the night of the accident. So Klein, along with the help of police sgt. Connie Mills (Laura Linney), immediately begins his investigation. But how deep, and how bizarre, does this Mothman mystery go?

So it’s not really a Mothman movie so much as it is a movie involving the Mothman, which sounds like the same thing but it’s not. Because you hear the word Mothman and you expect the cryptid, you expect to see a Mothman at some point, and this is more akin to the aliens on the X-Files. Time loss, visions, messages to the protagonists that are cryptic for no reason, the works. Which would be fine if this were an episode of the X-Files, that show is vague and never answers questions all the time, but it’s not. Hell, if the X-Files did have a Mothman episode they’d probably show the damn Mothman, so there’s no real excuse. Just because you set your alien abduction story in Point Pleasant doesn’t make Mothman an alien.

I’m also not a big fan of Richard Gere in the star role here. I’m sure there are other films which better showcase his talents but I dunno man, he seems uniquely emotionless for a guy who should, logically, be chockfull of emotions. Even in emotional scenes it just doesn’t feel real to me. In that case he might have made a good protagonist for Silent Hill a few years later, but I just can’t relate to him as John Klein.

To end with a compliment, the big ending set piece looked good, the impact lessened slightly but the gratuitous and obvious use of stock screams. And the music was okay. You got Low on the soundtrack there, Glenn Branca, it’s nice.

If you went to watch Harry and the Hendersons, and there were only allusions to Harry without any actual scenes with him, you’d be kind of disappointed right? That’s how I’m feeling with The Mothman Prophecies at the moment. It’s okay, very X-Files coded as I said, but the fact that I didn’t get to see one manlike moth or mothlike man really ruined the whole thing for me.

STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: An intermission

 Hey there folks, King Thunderbird here. Unfortunately I couldn't finish up a review today, so instead I'll just list some a couple movies and talk a bit about them. These may get proper entries in the future.

 

1. Willy's Wonderland (2021), directed by Kevin Lewis

    The idea of Nic Cage fighting Five Nights at Freddy's certainly sounds cool, and those moments when Nic Cage is fighting FNAF is fun. Everything else awas not so good

STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED

 

2.  Basket Case (1981), directed by Frank Henenlotter

    Henenlotter's films are are some of the gems of 80's horror, delightfully bizarre movies with equally nasty special effects. Basket Case was the first of the bunch, and it's a weird, fun time.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED

 

3. Chopping Mall (1986), directed by Jim Wynorski

    Essentially a slasher film, but instead of some dude with an axe it's killer robots, which is cool. The robots look well made, and Dick Miller gets electrocuted, so there's a lot to like here for horror fans.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED