The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul '26: Arachnophobia (1990), directed by Frank Marshall

 

The Trailer

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The Appropriate Tune - "Boris The Spider", by The Who 

 

 

I’ll tell ya, I was not a brave kid when I was a kid. Didn’t like the dark, didn’t like water, didn’t like heights, it all got a thumbs down from. I especially wasn’t a fan of the creepy crawlies, bugs, spiders, crabs, republicans, all those slimy things with too many eyes and nasty mouths. So naturally I’ve spent much of my film watching ‘career’ avoiding movies that might feature these things in abundance, because my goal is actually to enjoy what time I have on this planet. But not today. Today we’re getting uncomfortable.

In Arachnophobia, Jeff Daniels (Dumb & Dumber, The Purple Rose of Cairo), stars as Ross Jennings, a doctor who has recently moved to the small town of Canaima California. Unfortunately there are a couple of problems. For one, the doctor who was supposed to retire has decided he’s not going to do that, leaving Jennings in a bit of a financial bind. For two, the basement in his new house is totally fucked, so there goes his wine cellar. And for three, he’s a terrible arachnophobe just as the town is getting infested with a highly venomous, extremely invasive and incredibly murderous breed of spiders from the mountains of Venezuela. When it rains it pours, right?

So this isn’t a ‘giant spider’ movie as I was expecting (probably thinking of the David Arquette vehicle Eight Legged Freaks) but a ‘lots of spiders’ movie (like the Willia Shatner vehicle Kingdom of Spiders). Except unlike Kingdom of Spiders, which had a lot of unmoving arachnids, these things are everywhere and they’re crawling and jumping all over people, and they make sure to get plenty of closeups. So even if you’re more tolerant of the normal size spiders, they make sure you are going to be experiencing a world of hell every which way you can.

This is actually the debut film of Frank Marshall by the way, a co-owner of Amblin Entertainment at the time, and I think you can feel the influence even before you see Spielberg’s name in the executive producer spot. It’s very classically cinematic in that Spielberg way, especially in the opening with that surging, brass-heavy orchestration and the sweeping shots of Venezuela, but even in the ‘small town authorities ignore obvious warning signs until threat becomes impossible to ignore’ setup is reminiscent of Jaws. By the way, one of the other movies that Marshall directed was Congo, which was also Spielbergian, except that instead of dinosaurs and sharks it was gorillas and Tim Curry.

Which I don’t say to write Arachnophobia off, because obviously to be compared to one of the most successful directors ever isn’t an insult, but also because Marshall isn’t just playing copycat. There’s a bite of gallows humour here that I don’t feel comes up often in Spielberg’s own projects, that helps balance the movie on that line between horror and comedy. I mentioned that the film had the influence of Spielberg, but you could also see the film as one calling back to those classic horror movies of the past that were popular at the time. Not a specific, serious remake like The Blob or The Fly, but a madcap tribute to that era like Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Except without the cotton candy cocoons filled with blood, and more John Goodman being John Goodman.

Obviously if you have severe arachnophobia then you don’t need me to tell you to avoid this movie, you’re already doing it. For other folks, I’d say this would actually be a solid pick for a family movie night. It’s got the frights but nothing graphic, it’s got comedy, it moves at a brisk pace, it’s got Mimi from the Drew Carey Show in a minor role, it’s an easily digestible, easily enjoyable movie. And when I say digestible, don’t think about that one statistic that says you swallow around 12 spiders while you’re asleep every night.

STATUS: RECOMMENDED

 

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul 2020: The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985), directed by Woody Allen

 

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune: "Guilty", by Al Bowlly

      Cinema might be the most adaptable form of art ever created by man. No other medium, except perhaps video games, can so easily run the gamut between the provocative and thought-provoking and cynical, money-grubbing trash. A badly-written book or painting reveals itself almost immediately, a bad video game might malfunction as soon as you put your hands on the controller, but cinema as a medium is such that even a poorly made movie can be beloved more so than a well-polished, more expensive one. I mean look at the enduring popularity of a film like Carnival of Souls over a multi-million dollar blockbuster like 2012, or Rocky Horror Picture Show becoming an entire party experience. That’s the real ‘movie magic’ in my schmaltzy, Hallmark Original Movie kind of opinion, not special effects or cinematography, but the way it can grab hold of you in such a powerful way. It’s probably why I’m still kicking around here today instead of killing myself years ago.

      Stepping on through, we are led to today’s film: The Purple Rose of Cairo, released in 1985, written and directed by Woody Allen, who last appeared on the blog several years ago with Sleeper and Play It Again, Sam. Mia Farrow plays Cecelia, an absent-minded woman with a penchant for breaking dishes at her waitressing job and an alcoholic, abusive husband at home (played by Danny Aiello). Also it’s the Great Depression, in case you thought things were too happy. Her biggest joy in life is going to the cinema, and her current obsession is the hot new flick The Purple Rose of Cairo, a story of ribald hijinks and the idle rich. So often does she come to see this picture that eventually explorer Tom Baxter (Jeff Daniels), one of the minor characters of the film, takes notice and walks out of the film to meet her. It seems that Tom has gotten tired of playing the same role over and over and wants to explore life on the other side of the silver screen, and he wants to do it with Cecelia as it seems that he’s fallen head over heels for her. Cecelia is thrown for a loop, but she can’t say she’s not interested. Can love blossom between a real person and a fictional one? What does it mean for the movie industry when characters can just up and leave the movie they’re in? Why is the movie called The Purple Rose of Cairo when the titular rose seems to have barely anything to do with the film’s plot? Watch and see.

      Stories where women fall in love with weird creatures aren’t exactly uncommon; and that’s certainly true in the world of film. Beauty & The Beast, Starman, the Twilight films, Austin Powers, get a girl and some guy with a gimmick and some emotional baggage and you’ve got yourself a movie. The Purple Rose of Cairo, then, works as something of an inverse. Baxter is fictional, a minor character in a movie, and so he can only be as he is written; simple, forthright, uncomplicated. Cecelia however is nothing but complications and hesitations, and unlike the common thread of some of those other films the solution is not love. Rather it could be love, but whether we in the real world can recognize it or act upon it is another matter entirely. I don’t wish to say much more than that, but it’s a much more sobering depiction of romance than one might expect. More a tragedy than a romantic comedy, in some respect.

      The cast is what really gives that idea life. Jeff Daniels is young as hell in this movie, his third ever at this point, and so that vitality really shines through in his performance as Tom Baxter and which is later mirrored as Gill Shepherd, the actor who played Baxter in the movie. Mia Farrow still has this meek, waifish quality that she had in Rosemary’s Baby, which I did not care for at the time, but she’s managed to temper it in a way that really works; Cecelia as the faded beauty, the girl that had to grow up too quick. Too very distinct people which contrast well on screen together. You’ve also got Danny Aiello doing some easy lifting as the dickhead husband Monk and a generally solid cast beyond that.   

      Man, not really the best headspace to be writing reviews right now. Anyway, while the basis for a lot of the well-regarded Allen films is the dialogue, I thought at times the dialogue felt a little awkward, and not quite as naturally as it may have been intended. I liked the scenes in the theater, where the rest of the characters are stuck in the scene where Baxter left and they’re growing increasingly agitated, but I wish the whole ‘fictional character in real life’ angle had been played around with a bit more; It doesn’t have to be Last Action Hero but it also seems like we don’t get that much of Baxter challenging the real world or rather it challenging him. Also while I generally enjoy Dick Hyman’s score, I wonder if it's a bit too jaunty and pleasant for a movie that throws things like domestic violence around casually. As if it were for a film much more screwball than this turned out to be, like if Mr. Bean was a depressed housewife.

      Would I recommend the film though? Yeah, I suppose. It’s a very second gear kind of movie, very low-energy, but I think by the end it really manages to wrap things up in a very poignant way. If you’re the kind of guy who can only stomach the hard stuff on Halloween then this is not the film for you, but if you’re down for a quiet night in with your significant other then you might get some mileage out of The Purple Rose of Cairo. If Jeff Daniels starts making eyes at your spouse, you might want to consider turning off the TV.