The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul 2021: Class of Nuke’em High (1986), directed by Richard W. Haines, Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman

 

The Trailer

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The Appropriate Tune - "Nuke Em High" by Ethan & The Coup

       It’s been a while since we’ve taken a look into the wacky world of Troma, hasn’t it? Now granted that’s pretty easy to do, given that many of the films associated with Troma Entertainment are Z-grade schlock who try so hard to be camp that it swings back around and becomes embarrassing. I can’t really hate on them though; Besides the fact that shitting on Troma for being cheap garbage is like shitting on the sun for being bright, they were there when a young Thunderbird was on the cusp of my writing-about-movies destiny, and so nostalgia is a definite. Perhaps the genre-centric direction of the blog is because of Troma? Nah, probably not, but in my flurry of movie selection whimsy I decided to rewatch a Troma film that I actually remember being pretty good. Then again anything looks good after you’ve sat through Sgt. Kabukiman, so I guess we’ll see if the memory holds up.

       Released in 1986, Class of Nuke’em High was written by Richard W. Haines, Lloyd Kaufman, Mark Rudnitsky and Stuart Strutin, directed by Haines, Kaufman and Michael Herz, and produced by Herz, Kaufman and James Treadwell. Gil Brenton stars as Warren Brandt, your typical white-meat American teenager just trying to keep his nose clean and maybe get some from his girlfriend Chrissy (Janelle Brady) while attending Tromaville High School. Tromaville High, too, is your typical white-meat American High School; It has its overly-hormonal teenagers, its gangbangers, and it just so happens to be a quarter mile downwind from a nuclear power plant so shoddily maintained they think OSHA is Oprah’s cousin. Sure there’s toxic waste bubbling out of the ground and maybe a kid melted that one time, who can possibly worry about that when there’s parties and unprotected sex to be had? When that nuclear sludge gets into the weed supply however, it sets into motion a chain of events that could spell disaster for the students and faculty of Tromaville High School. More like Nuke’em High, am I right? Yes I am, because that’s the title of the movie.

       There was of course no shortage of high school comedies in the 80’s, that was practically its Golden Age, but of course Troma’s whole gimmick is about giving a 10 when it calls for a 5. You ask for a punk and Nuke’em High gives you the cast of Mad Max, you call for a death scene and Nuke’em High has people getting their heads exploded, and their parties look like something out of a Fellini movie (their words, not mine). Much like its sister film The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke’emHigh has this kind of chaotic screwball energy to it where it never makes the audience wait too long for something to happen, and even in the ancillary scenes there’s usually something going on in the background to keep your eyes busy. If Animal House were written by the folks of Mad Magazine, that’s what this movie feels like.

       The other thing that connects it to The Toxic Avenger and separates it from a lot of the Troma fare is that overall it’s a well made film. While intentionally crude it never fully leaps into the cold waters of bad taste like Kabukiman, and while presenting itself as dumb it manages to skewer the romanticization of high school and nuclear energy policies in a way that hits more than it misses. This is due partly to the material and also the cast, who might not be Oscar-worthy but always feel exactly like the model version of their respective stereotype. I especially liked the late Pat Ryan here as the villainous plant manager Mr. Finley. He played a similar character in The Toxic Avenger a few years before and to me he was as big a part of that movie’s success as Toxie himself. A proper B-movie actor, who also kind of looks like early MadTV era Will Sasso.

       It wouldn’t be a proper B-movie without some of them there special effects, and in true Trome fashion Nuke’em High delivers on that. Gushing pustules of mysterious fluid, distended body parts, exploding heads, all the things you shouldn’t type into a pornhub search bar in a way that looks like actual time and effort was put in. We even get a radioactive semen monster (watch and find out) at the end that I think could stand with any other sci-fi or horror movie of the day. Of course you never actually see the monster do anything besides moving its head, any kills being performed by claws and a tail that conveniently arrive from off screen, but the overall design is solid and shows Troma’s dedication to the absurd despite the film already being ridiculous enough.

       I also unironically love the soundtrack. The Smithereens had released their debut album Especially for You the year this film came out, and it’s surreal to see the group responsible for the proto-’Come As You Are’ ballad ‘Blood and Roses’ having a cameo in a Troma film for some reason. The Nuke’em High theme song is also a banger; It was going on 10 years since I had last seen this film before the review, and yet I still found myself humming the tune from time to time, it’s almost annoying how catchy it is.

       Class of Nuke’em High is schlock. Troma markets it as schlock, and in both form and content its schlock. Yet despite being rough around the edges I never found myself bored at any point. It’s entertaining; the kind of gonzo film that through our modern lens we envision all of 80s pop culture to be, though the truth is a lot more mundane. The Class of Nuke’em High gets the recommendation: it’s definitely not a movie for the kids or the easily offended, but if you have a couple friends and more than a couple beers over one night and pop this in I think you’ll manage to have a good time. As long as you avoid the weed that is.

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul 2014: Cannibal! The Musical (1996), directed by Trey Parker

The Trailer

and

The Appropriate Tune: "The Trapper Song", by Matt Stone and Trey Parker

     Although it’s been off my radar for quite a while now, I can remember the days when I used to love watching South Park. Back in those halcyon days of middle school, South Park was the perfect combination of raunchy humor, ultraviolence and poop to set my developing imagination running wild. Over the years South Park has become more focused on making fun of whatever new thing has passed by the pop culture shitpipe lately, and my interest has waned as I’ve found other programs, but who knows what I’d be like if not for the influence of Mr. Matt Stone and Trey Parker? I’d probably be some kind of fine, upstanding member of society rather than the socially maladjusted misanthrope that I am today, and where would be the fun in that?

     Before Matt and Trey took the world by storm with South Park however, they were punk kids who wanted to try their hands at being filmmakers, and the first film they made was a little project known as Cannibal! The Musical. Released in 1996 by the schlock-meisters over at Troma, CTM is a parody of the bevy of films detailing the westward expansion of Americans in the mid 1800’s, and more specifically of Oklahoma!, the genesis of the field. Matt Stone plays Packer, the only man ever convicted of cannibalism in the United States, who supposedly killed and consumed his traveling party on the wintery slopes of the Rocky Mountains. Through flashbacks and the power of song, Packer weaves the sad story that lead to his imprisonment to a plucky female reporter. A story that involves Mormons, trappers, the promise of gold, an ill-fated journey to Breckinridge, and a mysterious figure known only as Leeann. As you might expect, the story that got Packer into prison isn’t the full story, but as is often the case in movies and in real life, the truth is stranger than fiction. And if you’re wondering how strange it could possibly get, please remember that these are the guys who created a talking turd who gives presents to children on Christmas.

     It stands to reason that if you’re not a fan of South Park, or other Parker/Stone projects like Team America: World Police, then you’re not going to like this movie. For people who do enjoy that kind of humour, this movie is a prototype for what is to come. It’s a bit shaky in places, and as a musical it barely hints at the success Matt & Trey would achieve with the Book of Mormon, but the songs are catchy and the movie is blatantly ridiculous, so it adds up to a decent movie. If you looking for a movie inappropriate for kids by good for Halloween, you might consider picking this one up.

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul 2018: Tromeo & Juliet (1997), directed by Lloyd Kaufman

The Trailer
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The Appropriate Tune: "Sex & Outrage", by Motorhead

     In the world of theater, there are few names as influential as that of William Shakespeare. Poet, wordsmith, playwright par excellence, Shakespeare is responsible for some of the seminal written works not only of the English language, but of the entirety of recorded history. Hamlet, Julius Caesar, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Macbeth, pieces of art that have survived the test of time, reproduced, replayed and reinterpreted thousands of time since they were written, and on and on for the foreseeable future. Name drop Tennessee Williams or Goethe to the average man on the street and all you’re gonna get is a blank stare, but they even catch a glimpse of a skull and the first thing on their lips is gonna be ‘alas, poor yorick’. That’s the power of Shakespeare, baby.

     By contrast, there are few names in the world of film that are less influential than that of Troma. Established in the 1970s by founders Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman as a truly independent movie distribution company, one that shunned Hollywood in favor of artistic freedom, Troma almost immediately became known less for being an alternate avenue for aspiring filmmakers and more for being purveyors of...well, let’s say shit. Generally movies that, due to lacking the funds, writing, acting, and pretty much everything else that Hollywood has, instead spend their time on cartoonish violence, gratuitous nudity and yawn-inducing shock jock style offensive humor. That’s not to say I’ve never seen a good movie with the Troma label (looking at you, Cannibal! The Musical) , or that I don’t support their mission, but some of the worst fucking movies I’ve ever seen are also part of the Troma family (looking at you, Dr. Fugazzi), and on the whole you’re probably going to find a lot more turds than you do hidden gems. They’re better than those tools who put out ‘Transmorphers’ and ‘Atlantic Rim’, at the very least.

     Thus it was inevitable that these two meet.

     Directed by Lloyd Kaufman and written by James Gunn, who you might remember from Slither or some movies you’ve never heard of about a talking tree or something, Tromeo And Juliet is obviously based on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, the classic tale of two teenagers who fall in love at first sight, despite their families being locked in a bitter and bloody rivalry, which ultimately ends in tragedy. At least that’s generally how the story goes, but after infected by the touch of Troma things end up a little bit different. The Montagues is now the Que family, headed by the inebriated and flatulent disgraced porno director Monty Que, Lord Capulet is a sadistic wife beater and attempted rapist with an explosive crossbow, Juliet’s Nurse is now Ness, a chick with a thing for lip piercings and fish tacos, and Tybalt/Tyrone carries a walking stick with Hitler’s face on it. Oh and the Chorus has been replaced by Leemy fuckin’ Kilmister of Motorhead (they also provided a song for the soundtrack), who seems to be almost but not quite interested in what’s actually saying. Throw in a fart noise every now and then and you’ve got yourself a movie, apparently.

     Normally when I cover movies I end up feeling bad if the article is too short, because it feels like I’m shortchanging you readers or not adequately defining my opinion, but I just can’t find much to say about this one. It’s a movie that sort of follows the story of Romeo and Juliet with a bunch of shit in so it can seem ‘over-the-top’ and ‘outrageous’, but ultimately comes as desperate and tedious. Does the film need a close-up shot of someone getting a nipple piercing? How about a softcore porn scene between Juliet and Ness with intermittent cuts of Tromeo having the saddest wank session ever seen to some late 90’s porno games? Where would the audience be without that side-splitting ‘Friar John is a child molester’ joke? I mean no one has ever made a joke about Catholic priests molesting children before, so Tromeo And Juliet is really treading new ground here. Move aside Will Ferrell, here’s the new face of comedy.

     Not to disparage Lloyd and James, because I’m sure they’re long past giving a shit about this movie, but I think there’s an important thing to note here: Sometimes, less is indeed more. I know that this is Troma, so you’re encouraged to throw as much shit at the wall as possible, but TAJ does it so often with no real cooling off period that I burned out long before the halfway point. Also, in case the above implication wasn’t clear, this movie just isn’t funny. Maybe if this was my first Troma movie ever this maelstrom of boobs and fake blood would seem like a novelty, like screwball 80s comedies taken to its logical conclusion, but once you’ve seen more than one you realize pretty much all they have. Aside from a scant couple moments where they play around with the play’s dialogue and a phone sex scene I didn't even come to anything beyond a smirk this the whole thing, and you can blame the internet or adult swim for desensitizing me to this kind of thing, but I’m telling you straight from the heart that it’s just stupid. Yes, stupid things can be funny, often are funny, but it takes a firm hand to keep stupid from drifting from ‘funny’ into ‘annoying’. By the time Tromeo And Juliet whips out the bull penis, it’s already smashed into the guardrail.

     The Lemmy cameo is fun, the music is pretty good, but Tromeo And Juliet just doesn’t do it for me. Could be that I’m just an old stick in the mud though, so feel free to check it out yourself. Hell, if you’re looking to make your night a Troma night, I’ll throw in a few recs for Cannibal! The Musical, The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke’em High and Story of A Junkie. Just make sure that no one in the room is lactose intolerant, because there’s going to be a lot of cheese. Cheese and exposed breasts, which I wouldn’t be surprised to discover is the name of a Troma franchise.

The Seduction of Dr. Fugazzi (2007), directed by October Kinsley

For some reason there's a bit of a problem when it comes to the year this film was released. The year stated on the video (from the youtube channel tromamovies, for all your troma movies needs) is 2007, but the year given on the trailer and Ms. Dunaway's wikipedia page gives it as 2009, while the wiki list of Troma Video Titles lists it as being released in 2008. I will be using 2007 as the year of the movie's release in the title and the following entry, simply because that was the first year I saw and I don't feel like rewriting anything. Enjoy.

The Trailer
and
The Appropriate Tune: "Sex With Me", by Rihanna

     Jesus fucking Christ, this movie. 

     I can’t figure out how to do a damn entry because of this movie. I know I originally had something about the history of Troma (the distributor of this particular film) in here, and how I had a great respect for Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz for doing so much for the art of independent filmmaking. Then I was going to describe the nature of Troma movies; the outlandish plots, the cartoonish levels of ultra-violence and sleaze oozing from its greasy orifices, the actors who can’t act, the best special effects 30 bucks can buy, etc. I was then going mention that this joy de vivre was actually a bit endearing, that if Rocky and Charlie Chaplin and pretty much every sports movie is anything to go by we love cheering for the underdog, and Troma is the Benji of moving pictures (which is just Benji, I guess). Finally, I would throw out my endorsements for The Toxic Avenger, Killer Condom, and Class of Nuke’em High, Troma films that I consider the cream of the crop.

     However, not all Troma movies are Benji, folks. Some Troma are Zuul and Vinz Clortho, vicious hellhounds spawned from ancient gods , that leap out from the inky black shadows of the night to rip your throat out and terrorize Rick Moranis.

     Also I just reused the opening from my Easy Rider entry without meaning to. Shit.

     The Seduction of Dr. Fugazzi is directed, produced, written, AND stars October Kinsley, which is what I like to call ‘a bad sign’. Ms. Kinsley portrays the titular Doctor Anna Fugazzi, an abnormal psychiatrist and therapist who looks a bit like a gremlin and dresses as if she were birthed from a My Chemical Romance music video. A college graduate at the age of 15 (right), Dr. Fugazzi runs a successful practice treating ‘crazy’ folks, including a pedophile who carries his dog Adolf around with him wherever he goes, an agoraphobic fortune teller who believes her neighbour is the devil, and a hip young kleptomaniac. Oh, and everyone likes and respects her, and she totally has tons of kinky sex with her super cute boyfriend and all her cool sexy friends, presumably on a picture of Tim Burton’s face.

     But not all is well in the House of Fugazzi. It seems that Anna has been suffering from horrible headaches as of late, headaches accompanied by bizarre visions of bloody floors and strange leather-wearing men in white rooms. When her patients begin to mention men in black hoods, seemingly representations of Death itself, those same figures begin to appear in her dreams as well, thrusting Anna Fugazzi into a mind bending psychosexual thriller. Or October Kinsley’s attempt at one, which turns out is absolutely not the same thing.

     You might think I’m being glib because I obviously didn’t like this movie, but everything I just wrote is exactly as it is presented. I would say this is what 16 year old girls who identify themselves as ‘vampires’ on myspace think life should be like, but I honestly can’t remember if myspace was still alive back in 2007 (I’m surprised I remember myspace at all). Taking on multiple roles in a film’s development is not an uncommon thing, but the reason it’s not standard practice is because it’s actually really fucking difficult to split your attention across several ways and still make something that’s halfway coherent. Sure, Mel Brooks and Christopher Guest and I’m sure a few others pull it off, but they are obviously more the exception than the rule. Watching The Seduction of Dr. Fugazzi is like reading a really bad fanfiction (so an average fanfiction), where a new girl is admitted into Hogwarts and somehow she’s already a master wizard who Harry and Draco fall in love with at first sight. And also she’s part fox for some reason?

     For a film puts so much emphasis on sexuality, this film doesn’t feel that much more racy than something you would see on cable TV. Sure, I guess there’s whipping and chains and such, but is s&m really the scandalous fetish that it was decades ago?Hell, you could turn on Comedy Central on right now and there’d be someone in a gimp mask on TV, just hanging out. You don’t even get to see a bare breast but for a few scant seconds, in a movie where the whole fucking image is built around sex, and that’s goddamn ridiculous. Naked breasts are a cornerstone of the Troma entertainment empire, and yet the movie that has someone getting a whip lashed across their chest is too modest for nudity? Seriously?

     The only positive thing I feel about this movie is the fact that they got Faye Dunaway, who is fucking awesome, to play a detective reminiscent of Jack Nicholson’s character J.J. Gettis from Chinatown, which is an awesome movie (Faye Dunaway played the leading lady in that film). Watch Chinatown, watch The Toxic Avenger, avoid this movie. I wish I did.

Result: Not Recommended