The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul 2022: The Thing (1982), directed by John Carpenter

 

The Trailer

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The Appropriate Tune: 'Who Goes There' by nARK

       This is the start of a little run that I like to call ‘Thunderbird takes the easy route’. Everyone knows about The Thing, everyone has talked about The Thing, so writing a review about The Thing is about as pointless as a circle drawn with a dull pencil. What can I say? That I was feeling a little bit nostalgic, that I wanted to get more horror in the Halloween marathon, that if I wanted to get a Carpenter film in this year that fit the theme it was between this and Memoirs of an Invisible Man, and that I wasn’t looking forward to stepping into the minefield of quality that is Chevy Chase’s later films? All of these things are true to some degree, and sometimes you just feel like watching a movie you know you’re going to enjoy. Not to mention that this gives me a great excuse to do Prince of Darkness next year, rounding out Carpenter’s loose ‘Apocalypse trilogy’, which is something I’ve wanted to do for a while. So here….we……go!

       Released in 1982, The Thing was written by Bill Lancaster, directed by John Carpenter and produced by David Foster and Lawrence Turman through The Turman-Foster Company, based on the novel “Who Goes There?” by John W. Campbell Jr. as well as the 50’s film The Thing from Another World. It’s the first week of winter in Antartica, 1982, and the staff of U.S. Science Station 4 are treated to quite the surprise when two members of the nearby Norwegian camp burst in, ultimately getting themselves killed in an attempt to kill a dog. A touch of snow madness perhaps, but a visit to the Norwegian camp soon sheds light on the matter: some time ago the Nords discovered an alien spacecraft buried in the ice, and with it an alien lifeform. With thoughts of immortality in the annals of science history they brought the alien to their camp, but this proved to be a mistake. You see this wasn’t a preserved specimen but a living creature in hibernation; An almost parasitic being which assimilates other living creatures and perfectly mimics not only their forms but their behavior as well, like some sort of hideous combination of the Predator and the Borg. The thought of such an abomination lurking with Station 4, murdering and then masquerading as friends and colleagues is bad, but not as bad as that creature making it to civilization. MacReady (Kurt Russell), Childs (Keith David) and the rest have to stop it here, but when anyone could be the Thing, then who can you trust?

       Easy. You don’t trust anyone.

       Watching The Thing again after a couple years I can sort of understand why it wasn’t a big hit in theaters, as it’s not a very ‘fun’ movie. There’s no attractive ladies, there’s no maretable mascot antagonist, no goofy, over-the-top deaths, the things that would come to define horror in the 80’s. It’s a dour story of isolation and paranoia which preys upon our very nature as group animals, and while the special effects are iconic in their complexity the actual violence tends to be quick and brutal. While there had been ‘downer’ science fiction movies before, Planet of the Apes comes to mind, as well as Soylent Green, neither of those films feel as aggressively fatalistic as The Thing. Even Alien, sci-fi’s slasher flick, gave the audience hope in the form of Ripley. Not so in the case of The Thing, where even in the earliest scenes there’s this sense of doom hanging in the air, that we’re seeing the Titanic five minutes before the iceberg.

       The term ‘Locevraftian’ gets tossed around a lot when taling about The Thing, and yeah, that fits. Beyond the shape shifting alien horror, the ethos of Lovecraft’s fiction was the insignificance of humanity in the face of the universe, and that’s the main thrust of the film. These aren’t Ridley Scott’s space truckers, they are scientists and g-men, men of intelligence and discipline, and none of it matters. They are out-maneuvered and outclassed at every turn by something that they can only barely understand, and they are fully aware of that fact. Whichmight be even more terrifying than the ‘confidence which shatters against the threat’ angle seen in films like Aliens. Confidence breeds hope, and these guys are just smart enough to know that they have none.

       Speaking of these guys, John Carpenter knows how to build a solid genre movie cast. Kurt Russell follows up his career defining role as Snake Plissken in Escape from New York with another career defining role as the no gimmicks needed chopper pilot MacReady, Keith David gets a career defining role in his second ever film appearance as Childs, and Wilford Brimley shows the world what he looks like without a mustache. The rest of the cast aren’t as well known, some successful TV and stage actors, but they do stand out without being distracting, and their visual distinctiveness helps to underscore the film’s question of ‘is this person real or is he the Thing?’ I wouldn’t trade anyone out.

       We also have the legendary Ennio Morricone on music, and who better to score scenes of barren lifeless tundra than the guy who scored scenes of barren lifeless desert? What I love most about Morricone’s work on this movie though is the slow shift in tone. The beginning is fairly standard, you got the strings, you got some synth, but as the film goes on and things grow more dire those strings pull back and the synth pushes forward, until it feels like the only thing you can hear is that pounding synth like the movie’s heart is in your ears. Synth-centric soundtracks weren’t uncommon in 80’s films, you could easily say that they were overused, but when they hit they hit, and the The Thing’s score was definitely a hit.

       Of course you can’t talk about The Thing without talking about the special effects, the brain-child of Carpenter collaborateur Rob Bottin with help from Stan Winston, among many other talented folk. It is the primordial ooze from which Cronenberg and the bulk of the body horror spawned from, and is arguably one of the few films with the label ‘Lovecraftian’ which from a visual standpoint actually lives up to that title. Overall I’d say those effects hold up, although there are definitely bits which look better than others. The scene where Windows is attacked in the rec room very quickly shifts from chilling to goofy as you watch the Thing puppet flop around like Kermit the Frog, and the head spider waddling around on the floor doesn’t strike fear into my heart like it used to in years past. In spite of the limitations however it’s the visceral quality of those practical effects that grounds The Thing in the real world, making it all the more disturbing for the audience, and while the puppetry can come across as goofy I prefer their dynamic energy when compared to the glacial stuff we would see years later with In the Mouth of Madness. I enjoy that movie but I think even Carpenter was aware of how bad those monsters were which is why you barely see them in the film proper.

       John Carpenter’s The Thing is an obvious recommendation. If you’re even slightly interested in science fiction and horror films, which I assume you are because you’re reading a genre movie blog, then you’ve already seen this movie, but if you somehow haven’t then it should immediately go to the top of the queue. Carpenter occasionally had problems pushing unique concepts without falling into the realm of camp, but The Thing rides that edge beautifully and as such is the most effective film of his boom period. Aside from Halloween maybe, but that’s a review for another year. Until then, watch The Thing, but be sure to avoid The Thing. The Thing sucks compared to The Thing.

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul 2020: Escape from New York (1981), directed by John Carpenter

 

The Trailer

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The Appropriate Tune: "Escape from New York Theme", by John Carpenter

      Although I often mention name-dropping certain directors all the time in these reviews, I do feel a little bad when I fill a slot or two with directors I’ve covered numerous times before. There are a lot of movies out there after all, and I’m potentially denying myself a great experience with a new film and/or director, maybe even a great review, by filling space with things that I was probably going to like either way. Today however I had to make an exception, because no other film has been an also-ran on this blog longer than Escape from New York. For years and years Escape had been waiting in the wings, the first name on the list, just waiting for the call-up, and yet every year it ended up pushed aside for something else. Even when I was set on covering a film by John Carpenter, Escape from New York was a victim to my capricious nature. I mean, Village of the Damned? Really? Well no more! The cycle must be broken, and it’s breaking now! Escape from New York baby! 

      Released in 1981, directed by, co-written by (with Nick Castle), and with music by  John Carpenter, Escape from New York was Carpenter’s fifth feature film and the second released during what would turn out to be his most prolific creative period, the 1980s. In an alternate, slightly more dystopian 1988, the crime rate had risen so high that rather than do something crazy like social or legal reforms, the United States decided instead to wall off the entirety of Manhattan Island into a supermax prison, or more accurately a horrific fusion of Lord of the Flies and the Warsaw ghetto where those convicted of a crime are sent to rot with no access to food, water, medical supplies or the possibility of parole or escape. Now the year is 1997; the Cold War has transitioned to World War III, and a hijacking of Airforce One has left the President stranded in the city, and soon after that kidnapped. With only 24 hours to go before a major diplomatic conference, police chief Hauk makes a gamble and brings in Snake Plissken, former soldier and current criminal. If Snake can get into New York City, rescue the President and get him out by showtime, then he’ll be a free man. If he can’t, not only will the survival of the human race be at risk, but the micro bombs that were implanted in his neck will go off. No pressure though.

      It makes sense that Escape from New York would come out the same year as another film that took an oddly long time to actually review, that being Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. In fact, prior to looking up the release dates I would have thought Escape was directly influenced by Mad Max 2, given their similarities. Both films center around ‘post-collapse’ scenarios, where society has been forced to reorganize itself into a more primitive form but retains vestiges of modernity, such as the use of automobiles or using trash cans as shields. Both films also take that concept, which on its own can be sobering and even terrifying to consider, and turns it up just enough to push things into surreality. Mad Max’s desert wasteland is populated by leather-clad weirdos with names like Lord Humongous, while Escape from New York has its sewer cannibals and warlords who staple chandeliers on their cars as a status symbol. Even our protagonist is something of a cartoon character, with his eyepatch and his gruff mannerisms, walking around with a name like Snake Plissken like it’s totally normal. You see Snake in this movie and suddenly all those stereotypical badass characters you’ve seen in every other science fiction thing you’ve ever seen, Metal Gear Solid or otherwise, suddenly have a common origin. Suddenly, making Escape from L.A. into a more comedic film makes sense, because he’s such a personification of the stoic badass that contrasting it with more and more ridiculous situations seems a natural fit. Not to mention going the completely opposite route for a protagonist in the case of Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China.

      Yet in spite of Snake being the archetypal badass action hero, and Escape being an ‘action’ film, there’s very little of the two-fisted, explode ‘em up fare that we associate with action movies of the 80s, Commando and Aliens and what have you. Rather, Carpenter’s emphasis on stealth and building suspense through the avoidance of combat feels more in line with Die Hard and maybe even post-Vietnam war films like Apocalypse Now. Yes, and with the Metal Gear series as well, although even the first Metal Gear Solid we see Solid Snake have far more in common with Pierce Brosnan in his Bond films or Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible than he ever did with his namesake.

      Going into this film blind, I was quite surprised at just how stacked the cast was. Of course you’ve got Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken, right in the middle of his landmark collab with Carpenter, but then you’ve got B-movie and western star Lee Van Cleef as Chief Hauk, Halloween staple Donald Pleasance attempting a Southern drawl as the President, Harry Dean Stanton, Isaac Hayes, Adrienne Barbeau, Ernest Borgnine, hell they even got future Halloween III: Season of the Witch and Night of the Creeps star Tom Atkins in on her as well. Very few of those names mean anything to the casual movie goer, but for a guy who has immersed himself in genre film for years now this is the most stacked cast I’ve seen in awhile. Certainly of the Carpenter films that I’ve already covered, although the lack of any Keith David does lose it some points in the final tally.

      Of course I couldn’t talk about a John Carpenter movie without bringing up the music, in the case of Escape composed by Carpenter and Alan Howarth. There’s something about that minimalist synth that not only matches perfectly with the vibe of Escape from New York, which in spite of the weirdo characters is a very grounded film, but matches the 80s. You talk about 80s cinema, this is the kind of music that pops into my head. There’s nothing I would say is as iconic as the Halloween theme, then again getting lightning to strike twice isn’t exactly easy, but the opening track is a bit of a banger and it does the job of pulling you into the right headspace for the story they’re telling. 

      As a rebuttal to that however, I will say that it felt like I was observing a story rather than engaging with a story. Escape from New York has this great cast and there’s nothing bad about their performances, and yet I found it difficult to feel invested in anything. Certainly not in Hauk’s mission and the search for the President, because anybody who would have okayed building such a place or support it don’t have my sympathy and never will. The Duke is one note as an antagonist, which is a huge missed opportunity for a character that is simultaneously a villain and a victim. Even our protagonist Snake has some problems. He’s certainly likable on an aesthetic level, but there’s never really an arc per se, never that moment where it feels like Snake comes out a different person than he was when he went in. Which might be seen as a non-issue because Snake is such an outwardly cool character, but it messes with the dramatic stakes. Because if I already don’t care about this mission in the first place, then do I really care if Snake fails? I may feel sympathetic towards him because he’s been forced into a suicide mission, but I’m also not squirming in anticipation to see if he succeeds. Especially since the world’s been fucked over by nuclear war at this point, so whether anyone lives or dies or escapes or not really seems like a moot point.

      That being said, I’m going to give Escape from New York the recommendation. Compared to the rest of Carpenter’s films I’ve covered I’d say it's about a C-grade, better than Village of the Damned at the very least, but I think if you like the sound of your science fiction movies having a low-budget, grindhouse flair then you’ll have a good time with this one. Maybe pair it up with The Warriors and a nice pizza pie, get that full on dirty ass New York experience. Save me a slice though, watching all these movies makes me hungry.

The Long Dark Marathon of the Soul 2016: Stargate (1994), directed by Roland Emmerich

The Trailer
and
The Appropriate Tune: "Door Of The Cosmos", by Sun Ra

     If there’s anything that the X-Files and the History Channel have taught me, it’s that anything that could be explained by human effort of natural phenomenon was almost certainly done by aliens. Mysterious lights in the sky? Aliens. Crop circles? Aliens. Stonehenge. The Nazca symbols? Aliens. The Easter Island statues? Aliens. Celebrities saying or doing anything? They’re either aliens or members of the Illuminati, which is made up of Reptilians, which are an intelligent non-human species, which is basically another word for aliens. Yeah, no one has actually ever seen these aliens, and there’s no concrete proof that anything extraterrestrial has ever visited Earth, but they’ve apparently been hanging out here the whole, probing our B-holes without our express written permission. Turns out that whole ‘space travel’ thing we thought about doing back in the 70s was actually just redundant guys, we could have just just called Kl’rrk and asked for a lift.

     Anyway, out of all the ‘aliens did it’ theories there are in the world, none is quite so prevalent and quite so heavily argued as the idea that aliens created the pyramids of Ancient Egypt (the pyramids of South America are apparently fine). Yes, despite the fact that Egypt, one of the oldest and most powerful civilizations of early man, had access to thousands of slaves and ramps with which to move large stones up inclines, there is very vocal minority that claims that alien beings traveled millions of miles across the galaxy in order to make a couple stacks of rocks in the desert. Why they would bother to do it, why would they make it out of of rocks and not a more lasting material, if it was some sort of message or beacon why would they not just place a satellite in orbit like you see in Star Trek or something, all these questions don’t really matter. Obviously early man didn’t have the intelligence or the technology to put rocks on top of each other, so we needed the help of beings that had mastered faster than light travel in order to do it. They didn’t even send us a bill for the consultation either. Thanks aliens!

     It is a pretty decent concept for a movie though.

     The story of Stargate goes as follows: Way back in the present day of 1994, disgraced Egyptologist Daniel Jackson is commissioned by the United States Air Force in order to translate a mysterious stone disk, discovered in Giza in 1928. This disk, as it turns out, is actually a star chart, a map providing a code with which to travel to another world via something known as a ‘stargate’. The stargate, as it happens, was also found in Giza, and is indeed a portal to another world. More specifically, when the exact sequence of symbols is entered into it, the stargate creates a wormhole which links itself to a receiver stargate at another location, in this case a planet on the far end of another galaxy entirely. A planet that has just the right temperature, gravity and atmosphere to support human life. Because it would be kind of a boring movie if it ended up on some planet made of liquid phosphorus.

     Thus the decision is made to mount a reconnaissance mission, and a team is assembled. Daniel Jackson, to translate the symbols needed for the return trip, bitter/jaded Col. Jack O'Neil (Kurt Russell, who can’t pull off a buzz cut), famed television actor French Stewart, and a couple of other soldiers who I don’t remember the names of and who don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Their orders: Travel through the stargate, identify any lifeforms and any potential threats to the safety of mankind, and then return ASAP. Sounds simple enough, and that’s when the alien tyrants masquerading as ancient Egyptian gods come in.

     If you’re familiar with Independence Day, or maybe the 1998 turkey known as Godzilla, then you’ve already picked apart the secret to Roland Emmerich’s filmmaking style: Spectacle. Big special effects, big set pieces, big action sequences, big names, all the things that would be really exciting to look at on the big screen with popcorn and a box of Goobers, and none of the things that would make you think too hard about stuff. Blockbusters, basically. The biggest gamble in the film industry, and one that Hollywood has increasingly started to rely on as the years have passed. After all, even a normal movie is a risk because you’re investing money into something with no guarantee you’ll make a profit or break even, and the more money you sink into a movie (as is the case with blockbusters) the less tolerable the idea of failure is and the more attempts are made at normalizing it, at doing everything possible not to rock the boat and minimize that. Which at the end of the day still might not work, because all the time spent polishing a turd doesn’t necessarily mean people will want to look at shit. For any successful film Emmerich has done, Independence Day for example, there’s been a Godzilla or a 2012. Michael Bay hasn’t made a movie in years that wasn’t a punchline, and yet his movies rake in the dosh hand over fist. There’s no way to explain it really, and with studios ballooning budgets up to a billion dollars because they think they’ll get 2 billion out of it, it’s unsustainable at best and ultimately destructive at worst. Too much pressure, in my opinion. If I ever become a filmmaker, I’ll stick with making critically-acclaimed indie gems.

     So what did the miniature rant have to do with Stargate? Not much I guess, except to temper your expectations. I mean, the concept of Stargate is sound, the film looks great, great set design, great costumes and makeup (especially love the look of the guard’s armor), but there’s not really anything… all that exciting about it, I guess is what I’m trying to say. The story plays out about exactly as you’d expect, the scene when the characters don’t believe in themselves then get inspired to victory, the big battle scene, the scene when the protagonist lets off a witty one-liner before killing the villain, the same things you’ve probably seen in a dozen other movies. Kurt Russell and James Spader put on commendable performances, but you can tell the direction of their character arcs as soon as they’re introduced, and the rest of the cast all drop into the standard roles. The love interest whose only importance is to be the love interest, the fearful town leader, the young character who bonds with the older bitter character and teaches them how to care about living again, there’s a reason they’re called archetypes. I give Stargate some points for having 90% of the cast speak in an entirely different language for most of the movie without subtitles, at least there were no subtitles on the version I watched. Really pushes the physical and visual aspects of acting, rather than relying on dialogue to push the story forward. However, when you’ve got 2+ minute long dialogue scenes with characters talking to each other in another language and that’s all that’s happening, it does get grating.

     If you’re looking for a movie where you can turn your brain off and enjoy something for a while, and you’re a fan of all things old-school Egypt (the 90s were big on Egypt, man. The Mummy remake, The Scorpion King, and Mummies Alive! just to name a few), then you’ll most likely get what you want out of Stargate. If you’re a fan of the concept, the ‘universe’ of Stargate and you want to see it explored in greater depth, than I direct you to the TV series Stargate SG-1, which picks up where the film left off. I’ve only watched a few episodes myself so I can’t really make a judgement call, but I know that I’ve often heard it lauded as one of the great science fiction shows. Which may not seem like much considering there’s only been like 5 of them in the United States, but if you’re a budding sci-fi fan trying to get your feet wet, SG-1 is at least slightly more grounded in real world stuff than shows like Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica, so you might find it a bit more palatable. Stargate gets the recommendation.