Sorry folks, I don't think I'll be able to make it through the entire Marathon this year. I tried my hardest, and complained about it enough in the last few entries, but today I woke up and I couldn't muster even the dregs of energy to continue on. Depression or boredom whichever, I just couldn't. So I'm not.
Rest in Peace to Patrick Stewart, and a Happy Halloween to the rest of us.
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The Appropriate Tune - "Vincent Price", by Deep Purple
Movie theaters are a very neutral part of the movie watching experience. For most folks, it’s just a building where you go, pay 35 dollars for a bag of popcorn, and sit in darkness for a couple of hours. Some might have better air conditioning, some have comfier chairs, but they’re all essentially the same, interchangeable with each other.
Which is why I think the marketing gimmicks of William Castle are so interesting in hindsight -- Using the theater itself to enhance the viewing, adding a tactile sensation to the experience. You could watch The Tingler, and maybe you’d be scared, but if you were watching it and as soon as the creature started moving you felt movement on your back? It’d probably hit a bit different, maybe even make the whole evening much more memorable than it would have been. Unfortunately I don’t have gimmicks to these reviews, aside from the bone-chilling writing quality, but I still feel like giving the nod to Castle today by covering one of his most famous films. So that’s what we’ll do.
In House on Haunted Hill, VINcent Price stars as Frederick Loren, a wealthy and eccentric man who has invited several people to stay at this mansion for a Halloween party, with a promise of 10,000 dollars if they manage to stay the night. Sounds like a sweet deal, but Frederick and his Annabelle have made sure that getting that money won’t be easy by filling their home with all manner of frightening and chilling things. And perhaps something even darker, if Frederick gets his way…
There’s a bit of Agatha Christie here, with its small cast of characters stuck in one place. There’s a bit of Hitchcock here, with its gleefully morbid sense of taste. But the eagerness with which the movie throws scares at you, sights, sounds, words, anything that could elicit a reaction, feels fundamentally like William Castle. He’s a carnival dark ride of cinema, and he does it extremely well.
The other big selling point of the film is, of course, Vincent Price. He’s not really doing anything out of the ordinary as Frederick Loren, a macabre man whose every word feels threatening feels almost stereotypically Price, but it doesn’t matter because he’s just too damn good at what he does. Your eye is just naturally drawn to him and your ear to his voice, you just want to keep watching him freaking people out. The film stands on his own without him, it’s a decent spooky mystery, but Price certainly raises the whole thing up a level with his presence.
Not all of William Castle’s movies stand the test of time, I saw 13 Ghosts a while back and that was pretty shit, but I’ll say that House on Haunted Hill. I’ve heard that even the remake that came out in 1999 was fairly well regarded (the remake of 13 Ghosts was, however, still shit). So thumbs up from me. If you’re in the need for classic scares, you know where to find them.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "I'd Rather Go Blind", by Etta James
As history has moved on, certain types of film have waxed and waned in popularity. Around the 1950s you couldn’t take a piss without a drop hitting a some type of cowboy movie, but now westerns are as rare as the buffalo our forefathers slaughtered en masse as we carved out the wild West. So it has been for what we refer to as ‘sex comedies’; Comedy movies involving sex are still around of course, they still get press, but they’re not nearly the hot-ticket item that they were back in the frat bro craze of the 00s, much less the late 60’s and 70s. Of course I am talking out of my ass, so take that with a grain of salt.
As for what changed, I’d say it’s because the concept of sex isn’t novel anymore. Back when society was emerging out of the stuffy 50s and undergoing a bit of liberalization, the idea of acknowledging that people had sex still had the scent of taboo, and the act of showing erotic imagery was risque, bohemian even. Because of that trend people have become more comfortable with the idea of sex, and with easier and easier access to lewd and lascivious materials as technology has advanced, talking about dicks or seeing tits isn’t the same artistic statement that it used to be. I mean Family Guy talks about sex all the time, it ain’t cool anymore.
If You Don’t Stop It…You’ll Go Blind!!! then is a relic from that distant past, a collection of cheeky jokes played out by our lovely cast in order to determine who wins the World Sex Award. You’ll see women glued to toilets, ditzy nurses, and other folks of indiscriminate virtue. You want skits, you’ll get skits. You want one-liners, you’ll get one-liners. You want rape jokes? I’m not sure sure why you would, that’s gross dude, but you’ll get some of that too. Tits, bush, dicks, it’s all fair game in this movie.
That’s all she wrote, almost 90 minutes of the kinds of jokes that would be accompanied by someone staring at the camera while a trombone plays that ‘wah-wah-wah-wahhh’ bit that we can all hear in our heads. I won’t say that there’s nothing funny in here, but I think that’s mainly due to the quantity of material they crammed into this picture. Rapid fire, joke joke joke joke, just enough time to give you a punchline before jumping to the next thing. At that pace, you’re bound to get some zingers just from timing and attrition. But you already get that through tiktok and youtube shorts, so what’s really the appeal beyond seeing folks that are now your grandparent’s age talking about fucking?
So that’s a thumb’s down from me. As I said there is some funny material in here, but most of the time it feels like you’re watching one of those ‘Best Of’ compilations of the Benny Hill Show, but with all those bits of them running around really fast cut out. It doesn’t do anything for me, but maybe it’ll be different for you.
STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Guile's Theme", by Isao Abe
Film and video games are the young ducks of art, and because of that we have a much better sense of its conception and history. We can look to the Lumiere brothers, the Great Train Robbery and Edison’s Frankenstein and see the embryonic form of cinema, and Space Invaders, Pong and modded RADAR detectors for video games. We can even go a level deeper with video games, where we can point out the moment that genres formed and movements happened. Take Street Fighter II, for example. Not the first game that you could call a ‘fighting’ game to be sure, but it is the game that pioneered what a fighting game would be defined as. The mechanics of positioning and movement, how characters were developed, Street Fighter II was the road upon which the genre traveled, on top of being one of the most successful games of the decade. Most people don’t even know Street Fighter I even existed, that’s how overwhelmingly popular Street Fighter II was.
With success often comes franchise expansion, and while some companies can be very miserly with their IPs, I don’t think you could say that about Capcom and Street Fighter. Most enjoyers of cult cinema will be familiar with the live action Street Fighter movie, with the late great Raul Julia as M. Bison and the very Belgian JCVD as the very American Guile, but I didn’t feel like doing that one. It’s cheezy, we all know it’s going to be cheezy, so whatever, throw it on the backburner. How about instead I do something with a bit of a better reputation?
In Street Fighter II: The Movie, there is a name that strikes fear in the heart of governments the world over: Shadowlaw. A criminal organization unlike any other, run by the mysterious M. Bison and his subordinates Balrog, Vega and Sagat. Assassinations, terrorism, Shadowlaw has its hands in a lot of fires, but Bison’s goals are beyond ill-gotten gains. He wants something more, he wants the power wielded by the Japanese fighter known as Ryu, who defeated Sagat in the past. Well, if there’s anything that attracts fighters, it’s more fighters.
To make a Street Fighter movie, you must hold one thing above all else: the fights. People bought the game, people played the game because they liked seeing these certain characters fighting each other, so any story is going to have the fighting take precedence. The folks behind SFII:™ understand this, and they give the fans exactly what they expected --the Street Fighter characters, having street fights. Some of them get speaking lines, some just a bit of screen time, but above all else they’re fighting and that’s what’s important.
That the fights look good is also very important, which is theoretically a lot easier with an animated movie than otherwise. SFII’s animation is solid, some hinky bits but it does the job when it comes to action. I’m not as pleased with the art design; Everyone is recognizable, but some folks have this bulkiness to them that doesn’t look quite right. Hell some folks just look kinda ugly, like they did my man T-Hawk dirty in this movie, Honda has no nipples and Ken really should have trimmed his eyebrows at some point.
Finally, it’s worth mentioning that there are different versions of SFII that you could watch. The one I watched was the original English dub that was released on home video in 1995, which is notable mainly for filling the movie with alt-rock and electronic artists. If you want to see Ken driving around to “Them Bones” by Alice in Chains then this is the version you’re gonna want to see, but purists will probably want to go for one with the original soundtrack and different voices.
Does Street Fighter II: The Movie properly represent the spirit of Street Fighter II? Sure. Does it offer much for those who aren’t already familiar with the characters and their relationships? Eh. Some of the action scenes look cool, but in terms of being memorable I’d say the live action Street Fighter actually has the edge. That’s up to you to decide for yourself though. Thumbs up.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Get At Me Dog", by DMX
We haven’t gotten our dose of Stephen King yet this year and not many days left to get it in, so let’s do it today. Plenty of good King adaptations left I could cover, like,The Green Mile or The Shawshank Redemption, or shitty ones like Sleepwalkers or Lawnmower Man, but my writing energy has been running lower and lower the last couple days so let’s just do an average one instead.
In Cujo, Dee Wallace stars as Donna Trenton, a homemaker and unfaithful housewife who lives with her husband Vic (Daniel Hugh-Kelly) and son Tad (Danny Pintauro) in what is probably Maine seeing as it is a Stephen King story. Things are going fine, all the affairs and cereal-based controversies that we all face in our daily lives, but unfortunately the Trenton family has some car trouble. Also unfortunately, they went to a farm in the middle of nowhere to get it fixed. And most unfortunately of all, the mechanic’s family dog, Cujo, got bit by a couple of bats the other day and now is looking a little shaky. Someone’s looking for a bite to eat, and it’s not anybody walking on two legs.
The strength and weakness of Cujo then is in its premise itself. People do get attacked by rabid animals sometimes, so a movie about being menaced by a rabid animal seems simple enough to base a movie around. However people, at least a decent amount of them, also love dogs and so don’t like to see dogs suffer or get hurt, especially in movies where the audience watches helplessly as things play out in front of them. So the makers of Cujo are stuck between a rock and a hard place in that regard, stuck with a movie that a portion of the potential audience would avoid on principle. If it was just a dog killing people? Sure, that’s fine. A sick dog killing people? That’s a step over the line.
That being said, only the last half of Cujo is really about dealing with Cujo. Most of Cujo is actually spent on family drama, waiting for Cujo to flip the switch. Which makes sense, easy to get suspense out of a mother and kid being in danger. So maybe it’d be like being eased into it, or maybe you’d hate it even more because you’d be seeing a dog slip into feral insanity. Either way you’re getting the family drama, which kind of feels like trying to find excuses not to deal with the whole ‘rabid dog’ thing. Tad is a bit too high-pitched for my tastes, and I think both we as the audience and Donna Trenton are kind of sick of him at a certain point.
Personally? I like dogs, so seeing the blood stain where a dog used his skull to cave in a car door is a bit distasteful. By that same token, there is a panic and terror that comes in those scenes with Cujo that are accomplished quite well. So it’s in a bit of a gray area, but I’ll give it the thumbs up. Dog fans beware, but if you like moms in distress this movie definitely delivers.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Only Shallow", by My Bloody Valentine
There’s horror movies set on Christmas, horror movies set on Thanksgiving, there’s even some weirdos out there who make horror movies set on Halloween, but what about Valentine’s Day? Well I actually don’t know if this movie is set on Valentine’s Day, it just has Valentine in the title. Either way I’m watching it.
In My Bloody Valentine, Paul Kelman stars as T.J. Henniger, a young man living and working in a small mining town in deepest, darkest Canada known as Valentine’s Bluffs. Not much to do in a small mining town besides mining, so he and the rest of the swinging population are looking forward to the upcoming Valentine’s Day dance. Very excited, since there hasn’t been one for about 20 years. Something about a psychopathic miner who specifically kills people who hold Valentine’s Day parties so the town banned it, whatever. Sometimes you just need to get laid dude, I don’t know what to tell you.
It’s a slasher with the sweet maple flavor of Canada, jean jackets and all. The killer is fairly unique, with the dark suit and gas mask, killing folks with a pickaxe, but in all respects it’s a slasher. You’ve seen slasher movies presumably, you know the kind of stuff you’re going to see, and that’s what My Bloody Valentine delivers. It also gives you someone getting killed by having their face shoved in boiling hot dog water though, so there’s still a bit of innovation there if you’re worried about that.
Give My Bloody Valentine the thumbs up. You need a movie that has people getting killed that also speaks to your deep, irrational fear of being trapped underground, this movie will scratch the itch. Maybe next year I’ll write three paragraphs about the remake.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Battle Creek Brawl (Apocalypse Bass)", by GUNSHOT
Another day, another film. This time I’m feeling like some martial arts action, maybe by one of the most famous martial artists in film history. Let’s see if there’s anything like that around here…
In Battle Creek Brawl (or The Big Brawl as it’s also known), Jackie Chan stars as Jerry Kwan, a young man living with his restaurant owner father in Chicago in the not-quite-roaring 30’s. Jerry is just trying to make in this crazy world, but the local mob ain’t making it easy on him or anyone. Looks like he’s going to have to use his masterful skill with the martial arts to figure something out, which may come in handy considering there’s a big fight coming up in Battle Creek.
This is famously Chan’s first attempt at breaking into the American market after achieving success in Hong Kong’s film, emphasizing the incredible acrobatics and knack for physical comedy which were his main strengths at the time. I have to wonder what audiences at the time made of Jackie Chan; The last kung fu star to make it big in the States would have been the late Bruce Lee, right? A more serious, simple performer compared to the light-hearted Chan and his more elaborate, less realistic choreography. I guess audiences weren’t ready for it, since it took another five years for him to headline another American film, but I don’t think the film failed to showcase Chan’s talents. I think Americans might just have a lower tolerance for period pieces.
And you know what? It can also be fairly funny to boot, even outside of Chan’s spots. Plus where else are you going to seethe voice of Uncle Iroh from Avatar get it on with a lady twice his size? That’s a thumbs up from me folks.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Bette Davis Eyes", by Kim Carnes
Way back in the year of 2018 I actually covered the remake of this film, directed by genre film maester John Carpenter. It was…okay, as far as I remember. Cool to see Christopher Reeve in a non-Superman role, and even though Carpenter wasn’t considered at the top of his game by ‘94, he still had some gas in the tank. Thing is, I had never watched the original film before then, I had watched it simply because of Carpenter’s name. So I probably rectify that, especially I had no other films set up for today.
Based on the novel ‘The Midwich Cuckoos’ by John Wyndham (who was the pen behind The Day of the Triffids as well), Village of the Damned stars George Sanders as Gordon Zellaby, a citizen of the town of Midwich in the United Kingdom. One day, everything in the town suddenly falls unconscious. Man, woman, animal, everything which steps foot into the territory of the town. The military cordons off the area, runs tests, but they can find out nothing. Then, as suddenly as it happened, everyone wakes up. Just like that, no worse for wear.
Several months later, Midwich sees an influx of childbirths, all beginning from that strange day. What happened that day? And what, if anything, is up with these strange, strange children. Probably nothing, right?
It’s a classic kind of science fiction. Strange thing happens, and humans have to deal with it. Except there’s no monster to stop, as we see in The Blob or similar creature features. No agency on the part of human to explain or affect these children or their goals. They just have to wait and let things play out, and maybe learn something about themselves in the process.
You ever watch any of the classic sci-fi anthology shows? Twilight Zone, Night Gallery, Outer Limits? If you’re familiar with those shows, then this is going to be right up your alley. Thumbs up.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Terroristi!", by Ennio Morricone
In this world of corporations trying to erode the very fabric of art and expression through gallons of A.I. slop, what’s the important thing to keep in mind? That’s right, humanity. The human factor, and during a mad scroll through my streaming services I found one that’s all about that. It’s even in the title!
In The Human Factor, George Kennedy (The Naked Gun) stars as John Kinsdale, a computer engineer working for an electronic company in Naples.Things are going great, birthdays are coming up, patios coming in, until Kinsdale returns homes to find his family has been murdered. Wife, children, all of them dead. Why? For what reason was this horrific crime committed? Well John is going to find out, and he’s going to have his vengeance.
It’s a bit of a surprise to see George Kennedy as the lead in a thriller film. Much like his friend and Naked Gun costar Leslie Nielsen I’ve always seen Kennedy as a comedic actor, but of course their comic acting was informed by their past as in dramatic acting. Either way I like him here as John Kinsdale, he falls into the role very naturally, personable but perfectly able to be serious when needed.
It’s also nice to see movies back when computer stuff was fun. Nowadays computers and the internet are ubiquitous, almost as common as air, but back in the 70s when this movie came out there was still a novel charm about it all, a sense of wonder and mystery. It reminds me of the Coppola film The Conversation actually, starring Gene Hackman, that centered around recording devices, writes, bugs and the like. Technology which is extremely dated, even obsolete by the standards of today, but which comes across as science-fiction in films of this time.
I’ll give The Human Factor the thumbs up. It’s an okay thriller, and a good chance for George Kennedy to show off his craft. Give it a shot, if you want.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Mardi Gras In New Orleans", by Olympia Brass Band
Chuck Norris kicked the bucket too, didn’t he? The man who launched a thousand jokes in the early 00’s, despite the fact that none of them were funny after maybe the 5th one. Walker Texas Ranger, if you had a grandpa with cable TV, or are a grandpa with cable TV. Not to mention that he was a Zionist who campaigned for Netanyahu and peddler of conspiracy series, just in case you were feeling bad about him not being around anymore. In fact this was going to be a preamble to a Norris review, but you know what? Fuck him. Let’s do a movie I actually like instead.
In Avenging Force, Michael Dudikoff stars as Captain Matt Hunter, a former CIA operative who is moving to New Orleans with his grandfather and little sister. Partly to escape his traumatic past and partly to support his friend Larry Richard’s (Steve James) political career. Unfortunately things are going so well in the Big Easyl There’s been some proverbial shots fired at Larry from a group calling itself Pentangle, and it’s not long before the shots become all verb. Well Matt Hunter ain’t having that shit, and this Pentangle are about to know what an Avenging Force feels like.
If you see the name Troma on a movie, you know there was going to be lots of gore and generally little taste. It was a similar thing with the late Cannon Films, except instead of trashy exploitation films you were getting some action-packed exploitation films. So it is with Avenging Force, which goes above and beyond what you’d think a movie would go that earned less than 5 million at the box office. You don’t just get shot, you get shot and fall backwards off of a moving motorcycle, cars are smashing into each other, dudes falling off high places, and so on. Shit’s catching on fire, kids are getting shot up. It’s crazy to watch play out and gets crazier as it goes on, in a way that I think might have been lost in a bigger, more expensive production that didn’t have to try as hard to be memorable.
Beautiful in its simplicity, you might say. Avenging Force is not reinventing the wheel, Michael Dudikoff is not putting on an Oscar-worthy performance, but he doesn’t really need to. Sometimes all you need in a movie is a tough guy who murders the shit out of a bunch of rich neo-nazis, ‘Most Dangerous Game’ style. Pure catharsis on screen, same as John Woo’s Hard Target. Which also took place in Louisiana, I think. Who knew there were so many racist white people in the Deep South?
Avenging Force gets a big thumbs-up from me. It’s the kind of movie that folks think all action movies are like, or used to be. I’ve enjoyed it every time I’ve seen it, maybe you will too.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Shotgun", by Jr. Walker & The All Stars
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that Evil Dead is in the top tier of the 80’s horror world. A film birthed from the deepest, darkest parts of Michigan, which not only got the full franchise treatment but kickstarted the careers of director Sam Raimi and star Bruce Campbell, which in turn lead to some popular Spider-Man movies in the 00’s and that one TV show where Bruce Campbell had his head up a corpse’s ass and Lucy Lawless was in it or something. And it wasn’t even the good one! Evil Dead 2 is the one that has the funny quotes and violent slapstick and stuff, Evil Dead 1 is mainly gore and and an extremely uncomfortable scene with a tree. But hey, you’ve got to start somewhere.
Given it’s status in the halls of horror then, when the idea of a remake came floating down the tubes the feelings going in were less than favorable, especially as there seemed to be a distinct lack of Bruce Campbell’s with shotguns involved. That folks were wary is understandable; Recent years had seen the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street and the two Halloween films by Rob Zombie, so the fear of something that was fun being turned to shit in front of their eyes was still a fresh cut on their souls. But they’re still making Evil Dead movies now, so something must have worked out. Time to find out for myself.
In Evil Dead (2013), Jane Levy stars as Mia Allen, a drug addict who has decided to hole up in the family’s old abandoned cabin in the middle of nowhere in order to quit the stuff cold turkey. Luckily for her she has a group of friends around to support her through this harrowing time. Unluckily for her they also discover an abattoir in a secret basement that contains a book of black magic which unleashes terrible demons upon them that wish to torture and kill them. First Kid Rock and now this? Michiganders really can’t catch a break.
So the premise is the same obviously, but the new Evil Dead is trying out new stuff with the material. I’d say the most obvious is the greater focus on our group of victims in the cabin. In the original Evil Dead none of the cast were all that memorable, even Ash was mostly just a scared guy before later films developed his character. Here all the characters are defined, their relationships are defined, and so when demons are murdering them you’re far more invested.
And trust me, they do get murdered. The first Evil Dead’s popularity was in part due to the gruesome violence and crazy special, and I’m sure one of the worries for fans going into the remake was whether that would continue. It does, for the most part. People are getting showered with blood, cutting off limbs, sliced open, all that good stuff. How much of it practical effect and how much is CG I can’t say, if feels like a mix, but either way it looks very well done.
To rain on the parade a tad, folks who enjoyed the ‘madhouse’ feeling that the original Evil Dead had might be disappointed with the remake. Crazy stuff happens to be sure, but perhaps because of the greater focus on the ensemble it doesn’t feel like we ever quite get to that 1:1 cabin fever paranoia that Ash went through in the original Evil Dead. It’s also got some of those modern things horror movies love to go through these days, you know the exact type of jumpscare with the music sting, the scene where someone gets dragged backward by something, whatever. It doesn’t bother me as much because most of the movies I watch are 40 years old, but there are things that mark this Evil Dead of its time as much as the first.
To rain on that rain though, while it might start off a bit rote in that regard, by the third act I was quite pleasantly surprised and just how much things had descended into total bloody chaos. Truly a level of carnage that Raimi would be proud of, and maybe was, I didn’t check. It’s not the Evil Dead fans knew, but it’s an Evil Dead worthy of the name. Thumbs up.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
Originally I was thinking of doing Highlander II for today's film, but then I checked the blog and realized that I didn’t have a post for the original film yet. Not that I need to do every film in a franchise I guess, I just did the fifth Friday the 13th earlier this month, but there’s also a part of my poor, poor brain that gets a sprinkle of dopamine when I manage to do it. Plus it’s been years since I watched Highlander, so let’s go ahead and get it out of the way.
In Highlander,the very-not-Scottish Christopher Lambert plays the very Scottish Connor Macleod, of the Clan Macleod. Several hundred years ago Connor fell in battle with a rival clan, but did not die. Indeed he could not die, could not age, in spite of his wounds. A miracle? Not quite, as Connor seems to be but one of a whole group of similarly gifted people, compelled by forces unknown to them to battle each other in mortal combat, the victor cutting off the loser’s head and ending their unnatural life. Now, centuries after Connor Macleod pulled himself out of the grave in Scotland, the war of the Immortals is coming to an end. The Gathering approaches, and there can be only one.
It’s a very strong foundation for a film. Fantasy, mystery, romance, action, all that good stuff all in one. Yet it’s also a very budget-friendly film at the same time, which is good because it didn’t make its budget back. No dragons or wizards like other fantasy films, just some swords, some lightning effects and mild explosions used to great effect. Although that premise only really works for one movie, you can see why it was able to spawn several sequels, a TV spinoff, a spinoff of the spinoff, and an animated series. Guys fighting with swords is cheap and easy.
Highlander does its best to get in its own way though, it must be said. I’m not going to say that Christopher Lambert is a bad actor, I think he’s fine physically for the role, but his voice is just bad. It’s one thing for him to not sound Scottish, not many folks would recognize a Gaelic accent anyway, but he sounds like the guy who taught Tommy Wiseau English. I guess the filmmakers didn’t really give a shit since they got Sean Connery to play a guy named Ramirez who at one point is said to be Egyptian, and Clancy Brown plays an ancient Russian warrior who just sounds like Clancy Brown. Weird choices, man.
Much like fellow 80s B-movie Flash Gordon, Highlander features a soundtrack done by the band Queen. It’s cool. Nothing against Queen, they made plenty of good songs, they were famous for a reason, but there’s something about these songs that irks me. Maybe how they’re inserted into the film is awkward and that dissonance transfers to the song itself, I don’t know. Just a touch too maudlin, too overwrought to take. The Flash Gordon theme slaps though, check that out if you haven’t already.
Highlander is okay. Dumb, but it has a charm to it that these kinds of B-movies need to have staying power. If nothing else, watch it for Clancy Brown as Kurgan. The man is a treasure.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath
Fun fact: Originally I was considering doing Pumpkinhead II for today’s film, but it was so bad that I had to turn it off after a few minutes. Just an immediate, intense disinterest. So instead let’s do one from one of the old masters of Italy’s horror film scene.
In Black Sabbath, horror icon and Grinch narrator Boris Karloff (Frankenstein) is here to entertain us this evening with some scary stories. Tales of treasure hungry graverobbers getting their just desserts from the restless dead, terror by telephone, and vampires drawn to steal the blood of those they love. Tales of death and terror, all those things which get you in the mood for the Halloween season.
When it comes to that incredibly Italian style of horror known as giallo, Mario Bava was a predecessor of frequent blog subject Dario Argento, and we can see things in Black Sabbath that would later be taken to greater heights by later filmmakers. The gothic set design, the saturation of color, the emphasis on sexuality and extreme dramatics, and so on and on. Black Sabbath is certainly not as graphic as we would see in Argento’s film like Tenebrae or Suspiria, but it’s more that this film came out in 1963, rather than a difference in what constitutes giallo.
Of the three stories, the third and final one is given the most time. Makes sense, as it’s not only a period piece but is the one that features Boris Karloff, who is the most recognizable name of the cast. Karloff is suitably creepy as the disheveled, vampiric patriarch of a Russian family, and the audience has the time to let the dread sink in. I guess you’d call it best story, but that’s not to discount the other two segments, which manage to get in some quick and dirty frights.
I’ll give Black Sabbath the nod. Perhaps it’s not as frightening by modern standards, but it looks good beyond just the charm of older horror films. Pair it with another horror anthology film like Creepshow, or from another Italian director like Lucio Fulci or Joe D’Amato, get a double dose of Mediterranean flavor.
STATUS: RECOMMENDED
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The Appropriate Tune - "..Baby One More Time", by Ahmet & Dweezil Zappa
Pro wrestling has always had something of a popularity problem, and I’m not talking about it being staged. In spite of the fact that that it has been quite lucrative in the past, selling out arenas, millions of people watching matches, as the years have gone by and the options for entertainment have expanded and improved, wrestlers and promoters have seen their cultural cache dwindle. Thus there was a perceived need to expand pro wrestling beyond pro wrestling, to make pro wrestlers into proper stars, which would presumably cause people to go see more wrestling shows. Or at least make the promoters more money.
This was best understood by wrestling promoter and alleged sex trafficker Vince McMahon Jr., who was able to capture a large chunk of pop culture attention with the help of his top star, noted racist and compulsive liar Hulk Hogan. Cartoons, movies, comic books, video games, the WWF were able to craft a level of brand recognition that never really went away, even during times when the wrestling side of the wrestling business wasn’t doing so well. It was no doubt that desire for a fame beyond their field that led major WWF competitor World Championship Wrestling to try their own hand at the silver screen.
In Ready To Rumble, David Arquette and Scott Caan star as Gordie Boggs and Sean Dawkins, two wastoids who spend their days cleaning port-a-pottys and watching professional wrestling. That life of mediocrity is threatened one night when they see their hero, undefeated champion Jimmy King (Oliver Platt), lose a title match that by all rights he should have won. Desperate for answers, they decide to seek out Jimmy King and find out the truth of the matter. Things snowball from there, as they are wont to do.
So there are a lot of problems here. First, there’s the question: if this is a movie about pro wrestling, for pro wrestling fans to enjoy, why does this movie depict wrestling fans as total dipshits? Not that they needed to be Ferris Bueller, they are still wrestling fans after all, but Gordie and Sean are not lovable slackers like Bill & Ted. They’re just losers, creepy, obnoxious, and stupid enough to believe pro wrestling is real despite being told to their face that it’s not (although the film itself seems confused on that point). Unlike Bill & Ted, you would not want to hang out with these guys, especially if you were ever hoping to get the attention of a woman. These are the kind of 30 year olds who hang out with 10 year olds.
Secondly, given that this film was made in collaboration with WCW, why do the WCW wrestlers feel like an afterthought? I like Oliver Platt, he was a great part of Lake Placid, but why is he playing a world class wrestler, over the guys who are actually championship wrestlers? You might answer that wrestlers are not known for being great movie actors, which is true, but I don’t think the wrestlers who do get larger speaking roles like Diamond Dallas Page or Bill Goldberg don’t do all that badly. Another answer might be that none of the actual wrestlers would want to be depicted as a fat drunken slob who lives in a mobile home, which is fair, but then don’t have the movie be about that then? You still have that same fat drunken slob as the undefeated WCW champion that clowns all the other wrestlers, so whether it’s an actual wrestler in the role or not seems like a lateral move.
Thirdly, and this is my opinion, but the movie isn’t funny. This movie came out in 2000, a decade that would see a proliferation of frat boy comedies. You know the type, Waiting…, most things with National Lampoon in the title, the sex & toilet stuff that feels dated compared to stuff that came out before and after. If nothing else though, at least you could say those other movies pushed the envelope of things you could put on screen. Ready To Rumble is neither explicit or daring in its comedy, it’s just juvenile shit that even a pre-teen would struggle to find edgy, especially since you got get raunchier stuff on an average episode of South Park or WWF RAW. This movie begins with David Arquette sticking his finger up his ass, and it never gets any better from there.
Is there anything, ANYTHING, that was worthwhile in this movie? I guess the one scene where the traveling nuns sing Van Halen’s “Running With The Devil” was a bit funny. That’s it.
For wrestling fans, the year 2000 was known to be a particularly bad one for WCW. A period of poor booking and business decisions that foreshadowed the company’s eventual dissolution and assimilation by Vince McMahon and the WWF the following year. In that regard Ready To Rumble was perfect film to represent the company. As something you are meant to watch and enjoy, god damn is it lame as hell. I’d say don’t watch it, but even if you did I doubt you’d be watching it for long. I know I wasn’t.
STATUS: NOT RECOMMENDED
