For some reason it’s taken me way too long during this writing process to convey this basic concept: Christmas movies are hard to do. Or rather, they’re hard to do if you’re actually trying to make a good, as you could literally do the Scrooge McDuck-swim through the mountains and mountains of shitty Christmas movies that have amassed throughout the years. Hell, ABC Family had so many schlocky flicks in their back-catalog of made-for-TV nonsense that they started showing them before we had even hit December. Which has been increasingly baffling to me as of late, the fact that as soon as Thanksgiving is over we need to see Rob Lowe and some nameless actress find love again through the power of Christmas ad nauseum over the period of a month, not a scant 24 hours after stuffing my face with several different types of pie. There’s no need for so many movies, December is still 31 days, Christmas is still on the 25th, and yet for some unexplainable reason society (or mayhaps the Reptilians, controlling everything from their secret underground lava bunkers) has decided we need to push the issue until everyone is burnt out on holiday crap long before we even get to Christmas at all. I don’t know who has poisoned me against Rob Lowe with their cyanide candy canes, but I don’t appreciate it.
Of course the qualifications for what makes a ‘Christmas classic’ is as subjective as any other when it comes to films, that’s a given. It’s A Wonderful Life, perhaps the most universally praised Christmas film of all time, was actually a commercial flop when it was first released, and really only came into its status through it’s continued television appearances after falling into the public domain. Nightmare Before Christmas has the artstyle going for it, at least before Hot Topic coopted it, as well as appearing during the non-hackneyed period of Tim Burton’s career. How the Grinch Stole Christmas had animation legend Chuck Jones behind it, as well as Boris Karloff’s chilling yet soothing voice in the narrator spot. Some people even consider Santa Claus Conquers the Martians to be a holiday classic, and even if I don’t really understand the thought process behind that, I can understand the unique appeal that could draw some people in. Maybe there are even people who love these greeting card vomit parties, and if those are the movies they associate with Christmas, so be it. Everyone has to hold their own opinion, after all.
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is a strange case in that I didn’t think it was too bad of a film in general, but as a Christmas film it misses the mark. Coming from the frigid north that is Finland, this is another entry in the ‘holiday horror’ subgenre, joining the ranks of such films as Santa’s Slay and Jack Frost. One of the least interesting niche horror genres honestly, of which there are many, which admittedly might have biased me a bit against the film on the outset. RT at least takes the major cliche of the Christmas horror subgenre, Santa killing dudes for whatever reason, and presents it in a fairly interesting way. The jolly old elf is no mere Myers-esque serial killer this time around, but is in fact an enormous Satanic abductor of children (and also gives them toys I guess) with a taste for gingerbread. Which isn’t actually that far-fetched at all, as the concept of a monstrous Yuletide figure that punishes naughty children is quite commonplace in Scandinavian folklore, the most dour of all folklore. Those non-europeans might know the legend of the Krampus, the demonic kidnapper that consistently makes the rounds on comedy websites and quirky facebook posts, and that’s probably the closest comparison to what passes for Santa in this film. No presents this time around buddy.
The plot of the film is nothing too daring, revolving around the classic scenario of rich asshole digging up some mysterious thing (in this case Santa and his naked bearded elves), thereby tampering with forces beyond his control. Because plot-induced stupidity is endemic to these sort of things, the only one who knows that bad stuff is going down is Pietari, the only child of a butcher/widow/reindeer hunter. When children and household appliances start to go missing, it’s up to Pietari and a trio of bearded men with hunting rifles to save the day, and also kidnap and blackmail people. I don’t want to give away too much of the plot, after all.
While I’m not entirely sure how Scandinavian countries view the roles of children, I found myself disliking Pietari as a protagonist more and more as the film went on. Aside from his carrying around a stuffed animal, he doesn’t really behave like a child so much as he does the world-weary warrior, forming up battle strategies and forming contingencies and what have you. I can understand why they did it that way, you need somebody to be the hero and who better to combat Santa than a child, but if it’s not made somewhat believable than the entire thing falls through. Aside from maybe one or two moments of pure interaction between Pietari and his father, you’re not really given the feeling that he’s a child at all other than that Santa wants to put the hickory switch on his ass. Maybe I’m mistaken in thinking this, or I’m underestimating the relative maturity of Finnish children over those I’m familiar with, but I don’t think you should be able to replace your child character with Keanu Reeves or Bruce Willis and have virtually nothing change plotwise. It’s a B-movie sensibility in a movie that doesn’t really feel like a B-movie at all, killer Santa notwithstanding.
For a movie about monstrous elves, this is a surprisingly bloodless movie as well. There is some violence of course, but very little of it is actually shown, the film preferring the tried-and-true ‘screaming dude offscreen’ method of insinuating gruesome death to the viewer. Something that was a big ‘fuck you’ to the audience even way back in the Trolls 2 era of horror when directors figured out it was cheaper to just say that the monster had killed somebody instead of actually showing it happen, which is what everyone paid their money towards seeing. There’s really no excuse for it this time in this era though, if your special effects budget is going to CGI then show some CGI death, throw in some more random dudes if you’re afraid the public doesn't want to see Santa killing kids, whatever you want. It’s not even that I particularly want to see Santa’s elves murdering people either, don’t get me wrong, but it removes the a lot of the danger that should be explicit in the film. Why do I really care if the elves are going after Pietari and his entourage if I don’t have any reference for what happens when things go south? It’s a flaccid sense of fear.
All that aside, Rare Exports was not what I would call a bad movie. The folkloric Santa was a direction that could have been interesting were it explored more, and it was even funny in spots, even when it was dipping into Syfy movie territory. It’s a middle of the road sort of movie: Worth a watch if you’re interested, quirky enough to set itself apart from the crowd, but nothing to really go out of your way for. Definitely not what I would call a Christmas classic, but give it a try for yourself and see how it takes. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a new holiday tradition. Hopefully one that doesn’t involve The Hebrew Hammer, at least.
Result: Recommended
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