I’m a fan of animation. Stop-motion, claymation, old-fashioned hand drawn cartoons, it’s the more the merrier in my opinion. One of my favorite cartoon series when I was a kid (which I still enjoy today) was a show called Beast Wars, which ran for a few seasons in the mid 1990s. It was an action show, done entirely in early CGI, which detailed a war between two opposing factions of a robot race who could transform their bodies into animal forms: The good hearted Maximals, lead by Optimus Primal, and the devious Predacons, lead by Megatron. The show has been praised for its writing (rhinoceros farts notwithstanding) and, like Disney’s Gargoyles and Warner Bros.’ Batman: The Animated Series, is seen as a model for Western animation that effectively walks the line between serious storytelling and entertainment. The fact it was part of the Transformers didn’t really mean much to me at the time, no episodes on VHS to instill their image onto my mind during my formative youth like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For a 7 year old, knowing there was a badass robot who could turn into a badass velociraptor was all I needed to know.
The original Transformers series, known to those ‘in the know’ as Generation 1, debuted in America in 1984. As with many cartoons in the 80s, Transformers was made in order to market toys, in this case several different Japanese toy lines, to children. What the kids of ‘84 knew as Transformers were, according to the show, robotic aliens from a similarly robotic planet known as Cybertron. For millennia the population of Cybertron has been in constant war between : On one side the peace loving Autobots (led by Optimus Prime) and on the other the power hungry Decepticons (led by Megatron). The endless war has resulted in draining Cybertron almost completely of its energy (in this case energon) and in a desperate search for more accidentally crash land on energon-rich Earth, where the conflict begins anew. Despite some frequent and obvious animation flubs, Transformers was money in the goddamn bank. Two years later, Hasbro decided to cash in that money in the bank with The Transformers: The Movie.
And the world was never the same.
The Transformers: The Movie takes place after season 2 of G1, as near as I can figure (I gave up midway through season 2, Starscreams constant bullshittery having become too much). Many years have past since the pilot episode, and Cybertron has fallen under the rule of the Decepticons, who you might remember as the guys who lost every episode.The Autobot forces have been split into three: Two bases on the Cybertronian moons, run by Jazz & Cliffjumper and Bumblebee & Spike Witwicky (a.k.a. the 2nd worst named human in history), and main base on Earth. Megatron’s ambition has not been sate with the capturing of his homeworld however, only the complete and utter destruction of Optimus Prime and the Autobot forces will do. The penultimate confrontation is set to begin, and when Laserbeak (a robo-bird who’s also a cassette tape, obviously) receives Autobot intel revealing Optimus is going off-world, Megatron leads his forces in a furious attack on the Autobot base.
Little does anyone know that, deep within the infinite reaches of space, there lies a threat greater than anything the Decepticons have attempted. His name is Unicron, the consumer of worlds, and his dark power is unlike anything either the Autobots or Decepticons have ever seen before. Unicron seeks the destruction of the Matrix of Leadership, a mystical device passed on from robo-generation to robo-generation of Autobot supreme commander (which apparently also changes their name to something-imus Prime, so there was some fucker named Opt running around at some point). The surviving Autobots must then travel to the far reaches of the universe, not only to keep the Matrix from Unicron’s clutches, but hopefully to distract the evil god from setting his sights upon Cybertron as well.
As would be expected from a move to the big screen, The Transformers: The Movie is a lot damn smoother graphically compared to the television series. It may be just me, but things appeared to not only have a greater amount of detail, but of depth as well. That may be an effect of the shading or perhaps the limitations (technical or financial) of television, but I seem to recall the tv series having a sort of dulled, flat brightness to it. The virtues of being a movie also allow a greater degree of fluidity, characters and objects can move in more complex ways, etc. The best advantages of one movie over 20 or so episodes is the larger budget and thus larger workforce, and it pays off in this case.
I’m not sure I feel as strong about the music as I do of the visuals though. The most popular/pop culturally relevant song on this 80s rock soundtrack is easily Stan Bush’s “The Touch” a purely 80s arena rocker that plays during the epic confrontation between Optimus Prime and Megatron. It’s an incredibly cheesy song, but it serves its purpose into getting you fucking hyped to see this fight. Every song in this film is trying to be “The Touch”, but the movie itself is not actually 90 minutes of that one fight, so why is there a super-hype song playing during the ‘Hot Rod is stuck in robo-seaweed scene’? I lost my shit when Weird Al Yankovic’s “Dare to be Stupid” started playing during the junk planet scene (I love Weird Al more than a man should love another man who plays accordion, you see), but was that really the best song they could have chosen for that particular scene? The kids who watched this movie probably didn’t know or care about anything besides the robot toys on the screen, but the only thing hearing Weird Al singing about squeezing Charmin does it take me out of the film.
Using celebrities as voice actors for animated movies has become a quick and easy way for studios to generate buzz and hopefully more cash for their movies. Occasionally it works out (Toy Story, Shrek), and occasionally it doesn’t (Home on the Range, anyone?), but it’s not a practice that shows signs of stopping. The Transformers seems to go for the ‘quality over quantity’ approach here, bringing in some unique names rather than marquee talent, and bringing in what I believe is most of the original television cast. Our celebrity cast consists of Judd ‘top of his career’ Nelson as Hot Rod, Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar, Robert Stack as Ultra Magnus, John Moschitta as Blurr, Leonard Nimoy as Megatron’s digivolved form Galvatron and Orson Welles as Unicron (Welles’ last performance before his death, a role which the legendary actor/director described as “being a large toy which terrorizes smaller toys”). They all put on respectable performances, with the weakest arguably being Leonard Nimoy. I think Mr. Nimoy is fantastic (so don’t disembowel me Star Trek fans), but to me a voice that exudes wisdom and refinement like Mr. Nimoy is not compatible with a character that has been shown across two seasons to be about one step above Cobra Commander. Perhaps if Galvatron had been written as a more distinct character than his previous self it might have worked out, but as it is Spock sounds like he’s about to be foiled by the fucking Superfriends.
The biggest incentive for kids to see this movie in 1986 (aside from the the light profanity, truly a world-changing event when you were a kid) was the fact that shit. went. down. Characters fucking died in The Transformers, and I’m not just talking about the random robot they showed off for two episodes that one time, some important/popular characters were bumped. This movie was something that Saturday morning cartoons never got to see: a shift in the status quo. Having no idea that G1 would continue for two more seasons after this, those kids were left with the knowledge that sometimes things don’t go back to normal at the end of the day. And even if it wasn’t a sobering reflection on the impermanence of life, no kid would want to be out of loop when Transformers did come on air and there were all of these new characters they didn’t recognize. It was a do or die situation, really.
People who love or loved the original Transformers have probably already seen this movie, and people who don’t have more reason to watch the Michael Bay Assformers instead. Those of you in the middle will find an enjoyable animated action film, and a piece of the amorphous blob known as 80s nostalgia. Watch the first two seasons of G1 if you want to understand the storyline up to that point, or rush into it like a badass. It’s your call.
Until all are one.
Result: Recommended if you like Transformers, robots in disguise, and Autobots waging their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons
Not Recommended if you hate 80s cartoons, giant robots who turn into small hand guns, or John Bender
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